This Was Not My Plan

 Sometimes, maybe more times than not, life does not go the way we plan. 

I am a planner. I am a first born, former military, type A, perfectionist. I want a checklist and a checklist for the checklist. I am not flexible. I do not like change. I've had a plan for my life since I was a little girl and for the most part, that plan has fallen into place. Actually, nothing "fell" into place. I made the choices, I did the hard work. But still, my life has not turned out the way I planned.

When I was in basic training, we were offered an opportunity to participate in a program called the GI bill. Essentially, we put a little money per pay check for x amount of time toward our own education. When we wanted to go to school, the military would pay the remainder of the balance and we would be able to go to school almost for free. Sounds good, right?? Most of my fellow trainees thought so and jumped at the chance. I remember telling the instructor "I won't need that. When I get out of here, I am getting married and having babies." I knew what I wanted and I didn't need school to tell me how to take care of my family. I already had a plan.

To say that my childhood was dysfunctional is an understatement. I'm not going to get into that right now and even that one sentence is going to offend some people, but it is the truth. I wanted a life that I never saw modeled. I wanted a marriage that lasted forever. A husband who loved me and did not hurt me. I wanted to be a wife who loved and encouraged my husband until death do we part. I wanted financial security. I wanted a long term home where we could make memories and our kids could someday bring their kids back to see their old rooms. I wanted my children to always feel safe, to know where they were sleeping and who would be there in the morning. It was insanely important to me that my children never have to switch schools and be the new kid. Ever.

No matter how hard I try, I cannot control everything (or anything?). I cannot control other people's choices. I cannot control the consequences of those choices. I know that God has a plan and that His ways are far better than mine. I know that He will never leave me nor forsake me. I know that I only see through the keyhole and He sees the whole room. I know. I know. I know. I can quote the scriptures, I can give you all the textbook, Christian answers. But, I have to say, I'm not feeling any of that right now. I am walking through a very dark season and I'm not sure I will ever come out of it. My only option is to trust that what God says is true. I try not to put too much emphasis on what I feel. Feelings lie. I have to remind myself that what God says is true, what I feel today may not be true. 

My new mantra--One foot in front of the other and breathe. One foot in front of the other and breathe. One foot in front of the other and breathe.

My life is not going the way I planned, not at all. So, what am I going to do about it? Well, one thing I'm good at is making a plan. That's what I will do! Not necessarily a new plan....maybe a supplemental plan?? A plan to get back to the original plan. What am I not going to do? I'm not going to give up. I'm not going to blame God. I'm not going to roll over and die (no matter how much I want to). 

I know lots of you have been praying and I feel your prayers. When I no longer have the words, I know that the people who love me are lifting me up. That is the best thing you can do for me right now! Know that I will be ok. I trust God. I trust His plan. Even when my flesh cannot feel His presence, my soul knows that He is with me always. 

<3 Debbi

Confession

I have been on yet another diet for the past few months or years or my whole life or whatever. It feels like I'm always on a diet and I'm tired of it. I need to fix this while I'm at a healthy weight so I don't gain again. I've been doing a lot of thinking trying to figure out just why I always gain the weight back.....

The other night, Becca was here and James said something about working out. He didn't mean anything by it, he just really likes to work out and he loves it when the girls will work out with him. It's like bonding for him. Weird! His comment triggered a conversation that I knew was coming someday, but never wanted to have. My constant dieting and obsessing over my weight has affected how my girls feel about themselves and that breaks me. Becca said something to the effect of "if you hate yourself when you gain weight, how am I supposed to feel about myself when I gain weight?" OUCH! I never wanted them to feel about themselves the way I feel about myself. I don't know how to fix it.

I have come to the conclusion that I have some sort of eating disorder. I'm not a doctor but I think it probably has to do with binge eating and addiction. I don't know. What I do know-I'm either "on" or "off". There is no in between. There is no moderation. There is no taste and walk away. I am absolutely addicted to sugar and carbs. If I have them, in any form, I obsess over getting more. It's all I can think about. I wake up thinking about food, I go to bed thinking about food. And, it's always junk food. I do not like vegetables, I do not like salad, I do not like water. I eat very little fruit. I absolutely, positively DESPISE working out. That all feels like punishment. I know, that is flawed thinking. I know that I am broken. I don't know how to fix it.

When I'm "on", I do great. I have a will power that few people understand. I can go days barely eating a thing. I can resist any temptation. I can "control" what I put in my mouth, maybe a form of anorexia. But then, if I screw up, the guilt is overwhelming. The self hatred is unbelievable. I have used laxatives after binging in an attempt to get rid of it quickly. I'm sure that's a form of bulimia.

I have been on Weight Watchers for the past few months and I think that's the healthiest thing for me. I log everything I eat! The nice thing for me is that I can strive for a blue dot every day. You only get a blue dot if you eat within a healthy range which means I cannot eat too little or too much. I might be a little competitive so working for the blue dot (my prize) works for me. I feel like I'm in a good place for now. My only concern is knowing when to quit. I am always pushing for the next lowest number. Maintenance is not my friend. I know how to lose, I do not know how to maintain. I think it may be time to talk to a counselor which is terrifying all in itself.

I hate that my issues have harmed my beautiful daughters. I have tried so hard to be a good mom. I wanted them to have a loving, stable, safe home. I wanted them to always know that they are loved unconditionally and that they don't have to do anything to earn anyone's love-including being skinny. I wanted them to be secure in who they are and what they deserve. Maybe it's not too late. Maybe I can teach them that it's ok to ask for help. I don't know what else to do.

I'm not sure why I'm writing this. I think this feels like a confession. Maybe a first step, admitting there is a problem. I'm not sure what the next step is but I'm hopeful that someday I will look in the mirror and see more than "the fat girl" and what I still need to lose. 

Thanks For Reading,

💗 Debbi

What is it worth to you?

If  you have known me for more than 5 minutes, you know that I have battled my weight almost my whole life. The doctor put me on my first diet when I was 2 years old. I've been on a bunch of different diets a bunch of different times. Right now, it's Weight Watchers.

I was shopping a couple weeks ago, trying to get the food I like for the least possible points. I looked at tortellini for like 5 minutes, trying to see which would "cost" me the least. It wasn't about money this time, it was about points. And that got me thinking....

What was that tortellini worth to me? Was it worth the 7 points it would cost me? The answer- maybe not every day but yes, that tortellini is worth 7 points to me-sometimes.

I've been replaying those thoughts in my mind for a couple weeks and I think I had a revelation that just might help me stick to this diet and hopefully even finally keep the weight off. Everything, every single thing we do, costs us something. Everything. Every decision, every relationship, every vote ;-), every everything. It all costs something, we get to decide if it's worth it. And, what's worth it to me may not be worth it to you and vice versa.

And that's not necessarily a bad thing. Our homes cost us something but most of us would agree the cost is worth not sleeping in the rain. Going out to dinner costs us something but we also get something out of it. Just because something has a cost does not mean it's a bad thing or that it is not worth that cost.

When I make the decision to get up and go to work in the morning, that costs me something. It costs time with my family. It costs added stress. It costs gas and miles on my car. But, is it worth it? Yes. Because what I get out of it is more than what it costs me. I get the satisfaction of knowing I am helping people. I get the love and support of coworkers that I would not have known otherwise. I get a pay check. Yes, it is worth it to me.

Our relationships costs us something. Relationships with spouses, kids, parents, and friends- they all cost something. But is it worth it? I would hope that most of our relationships are worth it. I love my husband with everything that I am but being married to him costs me something. I can't flirt with other men. I can't move to Florida. I can't get another puppy. My marriage costs me a lot but it is definitely worth it. What I get from being married- safety, security, love, forever dates-that is all worth so much more to me than the "cost" of being married.

Having kids cost me something. A LOT of somethings! But, I wouldn't have it any other way. Having dogs costs me something, dog hair everywhere ;-) But, yes they are worth it. I think you get the point. Everything we have, everything we do, costs us something. We make hundreds of decisions every day regarding what our choices cost and what they are worth to us. 

So, back to the diet. Every time I want to eat something, I need to think about what it costs me. Points are a tangible way to see that cost. Obviously, I can still eat whatever I want, but I will pay for it. Every bite costs me something. Some of those bites are worth it. They nourish me and keep me healthy. But some of those bites do nothing good for me.

It's Halloween. There is a huge bowl of chocolate sitting on my table and I've walked past it several times today. I haven't touched it! Because, what those little, seemingly harmless, pieces of chocolate will cost me is more than I am willing to pay. They are not worth it. They are not worth the increased sugar cravings, they are not worth taking me further from my goals, they are not worth feeling guilty. 

Ultimately, I have to remember that I am worth it. I am worth the hard choices. I am worth the effort. After all, Jesus thought I was worth dying for! He knew what I cost and He paid the price for me. What choices are you making today? What is the cost? Is it worth it to you?

Something to think about....

<3 Debbi

Writing, Therapy, Both??

 

Why do I write? Why do I feel the need to put my thoughts out there for people who very well may disagree with me? Especially now! Do I somehow think that my opinion matters more than anyone else's? Do I think my thoughts are going to change anyone's mind? Probably not.

Most people who know me know that I am a pretty even tempered, mild mannered person. Yes, I can be intense at times, but mostly I am not. I tend to sit on the sidelines of life. I don't really feel comfortable participating in most things. I prefer to sit back and watch, especially when it comes to new people. I am generally quiet, but always watching. I am an observer, a thinker.

With much observing and proportionately less talking, my thoughts can run wild. I sometimes feel like there are ten different conversations happening in my head at once. Conversations that get stuck there and have nowhere to go, and sometimes they become something they never should have been. A simple disagreement with my husband (not unlike the disagreements of every couple in the history of the world) can snowball into a very real fear that he is going to leave me within just a couple hours, all because my thoughts got away from me. 

The Bible says that we are to take our thoughts captive. "We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ." 2 Corinthians 10:5 My thoughts are not always obedient to Christ, they do not always line up with who God says I am. When I write, my brain over powers my emotions and I can sort things out. It helps me figure out what is real and of God and what is not. I am able to take my thoughts captive through writing.

That is one of the many things writing does for me. It helps me clean up my thoughts, to know what is real and what is not. Once I have it sorted out, I feel like writing helps me to say things in a way that I could never do verbally. In a verbal conversation, if someone disagrees with me, I will generally back down or clam up. I do not feel confident that my point of view is valid. I don't feel smart enough or educated enough or enough period. I do not like confrontation and will avoid it at all cost, including just keeping my mouth shut. Writing gives me a freedom to say what I want/need to say that feels safe.

I will probably never write for a huge audience (although, I do have a book idea in it's very infant stages!). I will probably never change anyone's mind, most of the people who read my words already agree with me. But- I will sort out my thoughts and my feelings. I will remember to whom I belong and who He says I am. I will take my thoughts captive. I write for me, but you all are invited to the party ;-)

I have always enjoyed writing, but something feels different this time. I feel a fire that I haven't felt in a long time, an excitement. I have been a martyr to motherhood for the past 20 years, I haven't had anything that I have done just for me in longer than I can remember. This, this is just for me. If nobody else ever reads a single word I write, that's ok. Every time I open this blog is like therapy for me. Just for me. 

Much Love, Debbi

I'll never work a day...

I don't like working. I never have. I don't take pride in bringing home a pay check. I don't feel a sense of self worth because I have a job. I never have. That is just not how I'm wired and I believe that is by design ;-) Life is short and any job I have is taking hours away from my family. And so, that job Must be worth it. Anything that I am sacrificing time with my family for, MUST be worth it. 

That being said....

I do enjoy helping people. I desire to see people do better, have better, be better. I love seeing lives transformed and even saved. I want to make a difference in the world. That is how I'm wired. I am a "fixer". I am not overly emotional on the outside, but on the inside...oh my. I feel like I can feel other people's pain. Their stories sit with me until I almost feel like I was there. I have this desire to make things better for people and to teach them how to make things better for themselves. 

This is why I do the work I do. I truly feel called to it. I know that when God knit me together in my Mother's womb, He knew that I would fight for people. He knew that I would fight for Life. He knew that my "work" would need to be His work. Sometimes, this work can be very, very hard. Sometimes, I want to tap out. I want to pass the baton to someone else, anyone else. Sometimes, I feel like God picked the wrong person. But, I know, He did not. He does not make mistakes and therefore, I am right where I'm supposed to be.

Recently, I was texting with a woman I have never met. This woman had just given birth to a stillborn baby. She was devastated! She needed someone to talk to, someone to listen, someone to say it's ok to be sad. She needed someone to tell her that her baby mattered. I was honored to take any of that burden from her that I could.

And then this week, a few volunteers and I had the opportunity to interview a couple clients for our upcoming fundraiser. I listened to them talk about how they felt before We Care and how they feel now. About their goals, their dreams, their futures. Their lives have truly changed because someone cared, because their advocates took the time to listen and to encourage and to show them another way. No paycheck is as rewarding as those words were to me! 

I am honestly thankful to have been called into a work that changes lives. A work that breaks generational patterns of bad decisions, abuse, neglect, addictions. A work that transforms families. A work that is worth sacrificing those hours with my family ;-)

No, I don't like to "work"-But, I love my job ;-)

<3 Debbi

I'm Back :-)

Whoa! It's been a minute since I've written anything! A few years back, I quit reading. I don't know why. Life. Kids. Didn't feel like it. Social Media. Who knows? But, I think I stopped writing at about the same time. Why? I enjoy reading. I enjoy writing. Why did I stop? Did I run out of things to say? Nope, that's definitely not it ;-) Tonight, I was just curious if this blog still exists. What do you know? Here it is!

Life update since 2016--Not much has changed. And, everything has changed. 

Becca is 20 years old and living on her own. James and I are still learning how to parent an adult child. It's a delicate balance of hanging on for dear life and letting go at the same time. And, we have a very adorable grand kitten!

Haley will be 18 in just a few short months. She is already starting to push for some of those adult freedoms. She is very independent and yet our most "attached" child. Figure that one out! She has talked about the military and college and everything in between. She just hasn't made a decision yet and that's ok.

Brenna is 15. Looking forward to driving and tasting some of the freedom she has seen her sisters enjoy. She has an interest in going into medicine in some form but definitely does not want to deal with other Diabetics ;-) She is a thinker and is not easily swayed.

James and I are still living the dream :-) Happily married and we even still like each other! We enjoy date days now that the girls are older and don't need as much supervision. We even took a vacation to Florida all alone! We are happy to be navigating this life together :-)

So, that's the short version. I have a lot I want to write about. Stay tuned!

<3 Debbi

Crisis

I was texting with a friend recently who said something that really has me thinking. We were talking about my time as the Client Services Director at We Care. She said, "Sadly half or more of the time you were CSD, you were in crisis...the enemy is a jerk." At first, I thought, "No, that can't be right." But then, I really started to think about the last few years....

She's right! It has been one thing after another since January 2013. I think I had just grown so accustomed to survival mode that I forgot what it was like not to feel like that. Survival had become my "normal"

It started with Brenna's Type 1 Diabetes diagnosis in January 2013. And then, we lost Daisy that April. (May not seem like  a crisis to you, but it crushed me.) James did a full year of third shift (January 2013 - January 2014) and I became a single parent trying to learn to care for a diabetic child by myself. And then in summer/fall of 2014, I went through some personal stuff that shook my whole world and everything that I thought I knew. Late 2014 and early 2015, 3 of my 4 parents were hospitalized several times. I quit a job that I absolutely loved in May 2015. And that October we lost my niece at 18 weeks.

Fast forward to today and I can tell you that I am not in crisis!! YAY!! I am remembering who I am outside of just surviving. I am looking back at the past 3 1/2 years and I know how strong I am! Satan pulled out all the stops. He tried to break me and he failed. He must be scared ;-) I am a child of the One True King and I have nothing to fear.

Romans 8:31New International Version (NIV)

31 What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us,who can be against us?

This all got me thinking about my clients. Their lives are often lived in survival mode. So many come from broken families and constant crisis. And then, they get a positive pregnancy test and it pushes them over the edge. They are no longer thinking about the future, they don't care about consequences or possible side effects. They just want to survive! And that's where they are when they make the biggest decision of their lives :-(

I can tell you that I have made a lot of decisions in the past 3 1/2 years. Some were right, some were wrong, some turned out better in the end, some I regret. I can't take any of them back. I just move on from here and do the best I can from now on. I am thankful that I always had people to talk to. I was surrounded by people who love me and love Jesus and prayed for me and offered great support and advice. I am happy to be able to do that for our clients :-)

To everyone who has seen me through these tough times, Thank You!! I am still here because you loved me and you always pointed me to the One who loves me so much that He sent His only Son to die for me. For me! I don't even know if I can wrap my brain around that, but I choose to believe it even before I completely understand it. Faith :-)

Love,

Debbi