Writing, Therapy, Both??

 

Why do I write? Why do I feel the need to put my thoughts out there for people who very well may disagree with me? Especially now! Do I somehow think that my opinion matters more than anyone else's? Do I think my thoughts are going to change anyone's mind? Probably not.

Most people who know me know that I am a pretty even tempered, mild mannered person. Yes, I can be intense at times, but mostly I am not. I tend to sit on the sidelines of life. I don't really feel comfortable participating in most things. I prefer to sit back and watch, especially when it comes to new people. I am generally quiet, but always watching. I am an observer, a thinker.

With much observing and proportionately less talking, my thoughts can run wild. I sometimes feel like there are ten different conversations happening in my head at once. Conversations that get stuck there and have nowhere to go, and sometimes they become something they never should have been. A simple disagreement with my husband (not unlike the disagreements of every couple in the history of the world) can snowball into a very real fear that he is going to leave me within just a couple hours, all because my thoughts got away from me. 

The Bible says that we are to take our thoughts captive. "We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ." 2 Corinthians 10:5 My thoughts are not always obedient to Christ, they do not always line up with who God says I am. When I write, my brain over powers my emotions and I can sort things out. It helps me figure out what is real and of God and what is not. I am able to take my thoughts captive through writing.

That is one of the many things writing does for me. It helps me clean up my thoughts, to know what is real and what is not. Once I have it sorted out, I feel like writing helps me to say things in a way that I could never do verbally. In a verbal conversation, if someone disagrees with me, I will generally back down or clam up. I do not feel confident that my point of view is valid. I don't feel smart enough or educated enough or enough period. I do not like confrontation and will avoid it at all cost, including just keeping my mouth shut. Writing gives me a freedom to say what I want/need to say that feels safe.

I will probably never write for a huge audience (although, I do have a book idea in it's very infant stages!). I will probably never change anyone's mind, most of the people who read my words already agree with me. But- I will sort out my thoughts and my feelings. I will remember to whom I belong and who He says I am. I will take my thoughts captive. I write for me, but you all are invited to the party ;-)

I have always enjoyed writing, but something feels different this time. I feel a fire that I haven't felt in a long time, an excitement. I have been a martyr to motherhood for the past 20 years, I haven't had anything that I have done just for me in longer than I can remember. This, this is just for me. If nobody else ever reads a single word I write, that's ok. Every time I open this blog is like therapy for me. Just for me. 

Much Love, Debbi