Sometimes, maybe more times than not, life does not go the way we plan.
I am a planner. I am a first born, former military, type A, perfectionist. I want a checklist and a checklist for the checklist. I am not flexible. I do not like change. I've had a plan for my life since I was a little girl and for the most part, that plan has fallen into place. Actually, nothing "fell" into place. I made the choices, I did the hard work. But still, my life has not turned out the way I planned.
When I was in basic training, we were offered an opportunity to participate in a program called the GI bill. Essentially, we put a little money per pay check for x amount of time toward our own education. When we wanted to go to school, the military would pay the remainder of the balance and we would be able to go to school almost for free. Sounds good, right?? Most of my fellow trainees thought so and jumped at the chance. I remember telling the instructor "I won't need that. When I get out of here, I am getting married and having babies." I knew what I wanted and I didn't need school to tell me how to take care of my family. I already had a plan.
To say that my childhood was dysfunctional is an understatement. I'm not going to get into that right now and even that one sentence is going to offend some people, but it is the truth. I wanted a life that I never saw modeled. I wanted a marriage that lasted forever. A husband who loved me and did not hurt me. I wanted to be a wife who loved and encouraged my husband until death do we part. I wanted financial security. I wanted a long term home where we could make memories and our kids could someday bring their kids back to see their old rooms. I wanted my children to always feel safe, to know where they were sleeping and who would be there in the morning. It was insanely important to me that my children never have to switch schools and be the new kid. Ever.
No matter how hard I try, I cannot control everything (or anything?). I cannot control other people's choices. I cannot control the consequences of those choices. I know that God has a plan and that His ways are far better than mine. I know that He will never leave me nor forsake me. I know that I only see through the keyhole and He sees the whole room. I know. I know. I know. I can quote the scriptures, I can give you all the textbook, Christian answers. But, I have to say, I'm not feeling any of that right now. I am walking through a very dark season and I'm not sure I will ever come out of it. My only option is to trust that what God says is true. I try not to put too much emphasis on what I feel. Feelings lie. I have to remind myself that what God says is true, what I feel today may not be true.
My new mantra--One foot in front of the other and breathe. One foot in front of the other and breathe. One foot in front of the other and breathe.
My life is not going the way I planned, not at all. So, what am I going to do about it? Well, one thing I'm good at is making a plan. That's what I will do! Not necessarily a new plan....maybe a supplemental plan?? A plan to get back to the original plan. What am I not going to do? I'm not going to give up. I'm not going to blame God. I'm not going to roll over and die (no matter how much I want to).
I know lots of you have been praying and I feel your prayers. When I no longer have the words, I know that the people who love me are lifting me up. That is the best thing you can do for me right now! Know that I will be ok. I trust God. I trust His plan. Even when my flesh cannot feel His presence, my soul knows that He is with me always.
<3 Debbi
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