This Was Not My Plan

 Sometimes, maybe more times than not, life does not go the way we plan. 

I am a planner. I am a first born, former military, type A, perfectionist. I want a checklist and a checklist for the checklist. I am not flexible. I do not like change. I've had a plan for my life since I was a little girl and for the most part, that plan has fallen into place. Actually, nothing "fell" into place. I made the choices, I did the hard work. But still, my life has not turned out the way I planned.

When I was in basic training, we were offered an opportunity to participate in a program called the GI bill. Essentially, we put a little money per pay check for x amount of time toward our own education. When we wanted to go to school, the military would pay the remainder of the balance and we would be able to go to school almost for free. Sounds good, right?? Most of my fellow trainees thought so and jumped at the chance. I remember telling the instructor "I won't need that. When I get out of here, I am getting married and having babies." I knew what I wanted and I didn't need school to tell me how to take care of my family. I already had a plan.

To say that my childhood was dysfunctional is an understatement. I'm not going to get into that right now and even that one sentence is going to offend some people, but it is the truth. I wanted a life that I never saw modeled. I wanted a marriage that lasted forever. A husband who loved me and did not hurt me. I wanted to be a wife who loved and encouraged my husband until death do we part. I wanted financial security. I wanted a long term home where we could make memories and our kids could someday bring their kids back to see their old rooms. I wanted my children to always feel safe, to know where they were sleeping and who would be there in the morning. It was insanely important to me that my children never have to switch schools and be the new kid. Ever.

No matter how hard I try, I cannot control everything (or anything?). I cannot control other people's choices. I cannot control the consequences of those choices. I know that God has a plan and that His ways are far better than mine. I know that He will never leave me nor forsake me. I know that I only see through the keyhole and He sees the whole room. I know. I know. I know. I can quote the scriptures, I can give you all the textbook, Christian answers. But, I have to say, I'm not feeling any of that right now. I am walking through a very dark season and I'm not sure I will ever come out of it. My only option is to trust that what God says is true. I try not to put too much emphasis on what I feel. Feelings lie. I have to remind myself that what God says is true, what I feel today may not be true. 

My new mantra--One foot in front of the other and breathe. One foot in front of the other and breathe. One foot in front of the other and breathe.

My life is not going the way I planned, not at all. So, what am I going to do about it? Well, one thing I'm good at is making a plan. That's what I will do! Not necessarily a new plan....maybe a supplemental plan?? A plan to get back to the original plan. What am I not going to do? I'm not going to give up. I'm not going to blame God. I'm not going to roll over and die (no matter how much I want to). 

I know lots of you have been praying and I feel your prayers. When I no longer have the words, I know that the people who love me are lifting me up. That is the best thing you can do for me right now! Know that I will be ok. I trust God. I trust His plan. Even when my flesh cannot feel His presence, my soul knows that He is with me always. 

<3 Debbi

Confession

I have been on yet another diet for the past few months or years or my whole life or whatever. It feels like I'm always on a diet and I'm tired of it. I need to fix this while I'm at a healthy weight so I don't gain again. I've been doing a lot of thinking trying to figure out just why I always gain the weight back.....

The other night, Becca was here and James said something about working out. He didn't mean anything by it, he just really likes to work out and he loves it when the girls will work out with him. It's like bonding for him. Weird! His comment triggered a conversation that I knew was coming someday, but never wanted to have. My constant dieting and obsessing over my weight has affected how my girls feel about themselves and that breaks me. Becca said something to the effect of "if you hate yourself when you gain weight, how am I supposed to feel about myself when I gain weight?" OUCH! I never wanted them to feel about themselves the way I feel about myself. I don't know how to fix it.

I have come to the conclusion that I have some sort of eating disorder. I'm not a doctor but I think it probably has to do with binge eating and addiction. I don't know. What I do know-I'm either "on" or "off". There is no in between. There is no moderation. There is no taste and walk away. I am absolutely addicted to sugar and carbs. If I have them, in any form, I obsess over getting more. It's all I can think about. I wake up thinking about food, I go to bed thinking about food. And, it's always junk food. I do not like vegetables, I do not like salad, I do not like water. I eat very little fruit. I absolutely, positively DESPISE working out. That all feels like punishment. I know, that is flawed thinking. I know that I am broken. I don't know how to fix it.

When I'm "on", I do great. I have a will power that few people understand. I can go days barely eating a thing. I can resist any temptation. I can "control" what I put in my mouth, maybe a form of anorexia. But then, if I screw up, the guilt is overwhelming. The self hatred is unbelievable. I have used laxatives after binging in an attempt to get rid of it quickly. I'm sure that's a form of bulimia.

I have been on Weight Watchers for the past few months and I think that's the healthiest thing for me. I log everything I eat! The nice thing for me is that I can strive for a blue dot every day. You only get a blue dot if you eat within a healthy range which means I cannot eat too little or too much. I might be a little competitive so working for the blue dot (my prize) works for me. I feel like I'm in a good place for now. My only concern is knowing when to quit. I am always pushing for the next lowest number. Maintenance is not my friend. I know how to lose, I do not know how to maintain. I think it may be time to talk to a counselor which is terrifying all in itself.

I hate that my issues have harmed my beautiful daughters. I have tried so hard to be a good mom. I wanted them to have a loving, stable, safe home. I wanted them to always know that they are loved unconditionally and that they don't have to do anything to earn anyone's love-including being skinny. I wanted them to be secure in who they are and what they deserve. Maybe it's not too late. Maybe I can teach them that it's ok to ask for help. I don't know what else to do.

I'm not sure why I'm writing this. I think this feels like a confession. Maybe a first step, admitting there is a problem. I'm not sure what the next step is but I'm hopeful that someday I will look in the mirror and see more than "the fat girl" and what I still need to lose. 

Thanks For Reading,

💗 Debbi