Too Close To Home

As most of you know, a freshman at Rebecca's school took his own life this week. I didn't know this boy. My girls didn't know him. He was younger than Becca and older than Haley. Still, his death has impacted us. Why? Because it's too close to home. Not only in a geographical sense but in a life stage sense. When I heard the news, I automatically wept for his mother. I just cannot wrap my head around losing my child. Especially when it didn't have to happen.

There is a lot of talk about bullying. This boy had been bullied for years. There are programs in our schools designed to protect kids from bullying. Obviously, it's not enough. My girls know who the bullies at GKHS and GKMS are. I guarantee you, if you have kids in school, your kids know who the bullies in their schools are too. So, why is nothing done? There are two things that the girls and I have been talking about--1) A victim (or witness) who reports bullying, will be bullied even more. They will be targeted. And 2) The bullies often get a slap in the wrist and nothing more. So, why tell?

I was bullied all through middle and high school. I believe there are many different forms of bullying. It doesn't always have to be physical or even verbal, I was mostly just ignored with some occasional verbal abuse. I cannot tell you how much it would have meant to me for someone to smile at me or say hi. Or invite me to their group during group projects (other than just to get me to do the whole thing!). I had a few good friends, but most of the other kids never gave me the time of day.  I was horribly shy and I know now that may have come off as being mean or not wanting people to talk to me. I made it through but I wouldn't go back to high school for all the money in the world.

I don't want you to feel sorry for me. I want you to think. Think about that person eating lunch by him/herself. Think about that mom at the soccer game sitting by herself. Think about your kids. How do they treat others.

Is your child being bullied? If so, teach them to stand up for themselves. Teach them to tell enough adults so that they are protected and something is done about it. If you know about it, you need to get loud. Go to the school. Go to the other kid's house. Pull your kid out of school if you have to. You must protect your child. I am so tired of hearing "that's how kids are" or "they're just teasing" or whatever other excuse people can come up with. As adults, we are responsible for raising mature, respectable adults. We are also responsible for teaching consequences. Stop sweeping it under the rug. Make noise until the bullies are punished and the behavior is stopped.

Is your child a bystander? Maybe your kid is not being bullied but they know someone who is. They are afraid to say anything because they do not want to become the target. I get it. But, it's time to teach our kids to step up and step in even when it's hard. Teach your kids that if they witness bullying and they do nothing, they are just as guilty as the bully. Teach your kids to stand up for those who cannot stand up for themselves.

Is your child the bully? Nobody wants to think that their kid could be a bully. But, bullies are somebody's kid too. Are you being honest with yourself? How does your kid talk about other people? Are you really monitoring their social media? Are they the kids starting fake accounts calling other kids gay? Be honest with yourself. Could your kid be a bully? What are you going to do about it?

I believe that there need to be stricter consequences for bullying. Suspensions, public apologies, juvenile detention. These kids need to pay for their crimes. And yes, bullying should be a crime. How many more kids have to lose their lives before we take this seriously?

This young man felt like he had no other options and now he is gone. This breaks my heart in ways that I can't really express. But, there is another thought that has crippled me these last couple of days. What if? What if, instead of only taking his own life, he had taken that gun to school? What if he had decided to take out the bullies? What if my kid had been caught in the crossfire? What if? A little sign on the door would not have stopped him. Even as I mourn his death, I thank God that he wasn't the kind of kid who would hurt others. He could have. If he had wanted to, he could have killed some of our kids before killing himself. But, he didn't do that. He sounds like he was a protector even though he was facing his own bullies.

We will never know who the world lost in this tragic action. He will never go to prom or graduate high school or get married or give his parents grandchildren. We cannot let this continue. Talk to your kids. Be honest with them and yourself. Protect those who are targeted and punish those who mistreat others. No more excuses. No more sweeping bad behavior under the rug.

I'm sorry, I know this post is a lot of rambling and I don't  have all the answers, but I know that we have to do more. We have to protect our children! Talk to your kids. Report bullying. Treat others well. Be a good example. Teach your kids that they will pay consequences for bad behavior. Stop making excuses.

I don't know what else to say...

Widows and Orphans

We are abundantly blessed! Our kids have never had to worry that their power would get shut off, or where they were going to sleep, or where their next meal was coming from. They have not been exposed to drug abuse, alcoholism, or domestic violence. They are secure in our ability to care for them. They enjoy a stability that millions of children in this country have never known.

As a family, we have prayed about and talked about how to help children who do not have the things that our kids have. We have decided to begin the process of becoming a "safe family".

Safe Families is a step before the foster care system. We will open our home to children who are voluntarily surrendered by their parents for a temporary time. These families are in a crisis situation and need someone to care for their children while they get back on their feet. They may be homeless due to job loss or extended illness. One or both parents may be serving short sentences in jail. It may be that Mom needs surgery and there is no one to care for her child while she is hospitalized. We want to be the safety net for families who have nowhere else to turn. 

We have begun the process by submitting an "interest form". We will have a home inspection and background checks before we are qualified to care for any children. We will have the right to say yes or no to any child/situation. We are looking at caring for children under the age of 4, but we are flexible.

Please join us in praying over this. Pray for the children and the parents that we will be meeting. Pray for patience and understanding as we care for children who have come from crisis situations. Pray that we stay in God's will at all times (I tend to do what I want and pray about it later).

You can learn more about Safe Families at

www.safe-families.org

You can also submit your own "interest form" there :-)

Why Diabetes Camp?

We have been living and breathing Diabetes for over 2 years now. It is 24/7/365. There is no such thing as a break from Diabetes. Every day, we work to keep Brenna's blood sugar under control. Some days are better than others, but we are managing. We have adjusted to this new life, but I will never call it "normal". This year, we have decided to send her to Diabetes Camp! Why? Lots of reasons--the biggest being that she will learn ways to take care of herself for the rest of her life.

Since the day of diagnosis, James and I have agreed to let Brenna be a kid first and a diabetic second. We try to never let Diabetes stop her from doing what she wants to do. We want her to be just like the other kids. But, guess what? She's not. That thought really hit me the day that I sent in her camp application. I put it in the mailbox and I just sat for a minute. I was struck by the thought that this camp is necessary. That there are enough kids living with this disease to make it necessary for camps all across the country to fill up with kids every summer. That for one week, these kids really do get to be like all the other kids. I wish I could be there to see Brenna "fit in" again after 2 years of being different from all her peers.

I also realized that I have had a change of heart. Two years ago, I would have said that Brenna didn't need camp because the cure is right around the corner. I believed that she would be cured before Diabetes could do irreparable damage to her body. I still hope and pray for that every day! But...what if the cure is further away than I would like? What if we never get a cure, just better management? My job is to prepare my children to be successful adults. That includes teaching Brenna to live the healthiest life possible in spite of this disease.

That's where Diabetes Camp comes in. These camps are staffed with medical professionals and volunteers (many who are Type Ones themselves) who really understand Diabetes. They can teach Brenna from a perspective that James and I just don't have. They will encourage her to be independent. She will most likely do her own site changes. She will learn about managing diabetes and nutrition. She will be given an opportunity to talk about her feelings and the emotional stresses that come with having a life altering, incurable disease. She will meet new friends who really understand what she goes through every day. She will also enjoy camp fires, swimming, rock walls, ropes courses, archery, crafts, and more!!

The camp that Brenna will be going to is called "Triangle D" and it is held at the YMCA camp in Ingleside, IL. It is a 6 night camp starting on July 26th. You can read more about it at:

 http://www.diabetes.org/in-my-community/diabetes-camp/camps/triangle-d.html

Our family is really excited that Brenna has this opportunity! (Mama is a bit terrified, though!!) We want to see her grow from this experience. We know that she will gain knowledge, confidence, and friends at camp that she can't get anywhere else. So, we stepped out in faith and signed her up without knowing how we would pay for this. It is very expensive because of the type of camp it is. There is at least one medical professional for every 10 campers. That's quite a staff!

Here is a comment I found from a previous camper:

"Six days to be just like everyone else. I’ve had diabetes for 13 years now and sometimes it's hard to find people that I can relate to. It's tough to feel like you’re the only person in the world who has to deal with this, but then you go to camp. Camp to me, is a place where I feel safe and people understand what I'm going through. When I'm there everyone gets it, no one stares, and there's no explanation necessary. Camp has really impacted me and motivated me to take care of my disease. Every year, with the thought of camp, I strive to stay in better control and take care of myself."

We have had some family and friends offer to help us pay for Brenna's camp :-) What an amazing blessing!! We believe that if someone wants to bless you, you should let them. So...Please, let us know if you would like to donate to our camp fund (we are not too proud to accept help!) :-) And, please, join us in praying for the campers and staff who will be taking part in Diabetes Camps all across the country this summer. Thank You :-)

James and Debbi

When God closes a door...

First blog of 2015. Everything feels so fresh, so new. It's almost like we get a "do over" every 365 days. Of course, we don't really, but it feels like that sometimes. It seems that this is a good time to reflect on your life. How are things going? What makes you happy? What makes you sad? What are you doing well? What could you do better at? What changes will you make in the coming year?

I found myself asking these questions and more as I closed out 2014. The answers surprised even me! I took my concerns to my husband and then we both took them to God in prayer. After much talking and praying, we decided that I would resign from my position as the Client Services Director at We Care Pregnancy Clinic. Believe me, you are not more shocked than I was. I NEVER thought I would leave We Care. I love what We Care does. I love the volunteers. I love the clients.

So, why leave? Well, there are lots of answers to that question. There is no one huge answer. Ultimately, it boils down to the fact that I am not doing my job to the best of my ability. I have been distracted. That goes for both of my jobs, at home and at the clinic. That's not fair to anyone. I find that there are things slipping through the cracks at work and at home. My first priority is my home. My husband and my children need me. We Care will be fine, they will find a new CSD. James and the girls only get one me. I only get one chance to do this right. Before we know it, our girls will be grown and gone. I do not want to look back and regret time that I should have made for them.

My passion for the work that We Care does is just as strong as ever. I will continue to serve as a volunteer Client Advocate. That's what I love! I love sitting across from a client and helping her talk through one of the most important decisions she will ever make. I love being the support to women who have no one else to go to. I love introducing Moms and Dads to their babies for the very first time. I love watching hearts change and turn toward the One who knit them together. I will forever stay connected to We Care! I will continue to raise support for them whenever I can. The Walk For Life will be here before you know it, expect that I will be just as persistent in asking for donations as I always have been ;-)

So, what now? Well, I guess we wait and see. I know that God has a plan and I trust Him. I will continue to work at We Care until the end of May. I hope that we will find my replacement soon and that I can train her to do everything just like me ;-) After that, I am taking the summer off. My girls have spent a lot of time alone the past couple summers. This year, they will be sick of me! I am hoping to take in a baby or two for babysitting in the fall. After that, it's all up to God.

An interesting Godincidence happened a couple days after I put in my resignation--I got the letter that we would start training for the "cuddler" program at Rockford Memorial within the next couple of months. Maybe that's what's next? Maybe nursing? I will not pretend to know what God has in store for me or my family, but I am super excited!

I have grown by leaps and bounds during my time at We Care. I have gone from someone so painfully shy that I was afraid to talk to anyone, to someone who gets up in front of hundreds of people at church or at our annual Circle of Care Banquet and talks into a microphone. My faith has grown tremendously in the 6 years I have served in this ministry. I have made friends who I will love all my life. Friends who have loved me and prayed me through some of the worst days of my life. Friends who have cheered with me and for me during some of the best days of my life.

We did not make this decision lightly. Walking away in May (even though I know I will be back!), is going to hurt. But, I love my family and they deserve all of me. And We Care deserves someone who can give more than I can right now. I feel good about the legacy I am leaving. I have done good things. I have helped push We Care in the right direction. It's time for me to give someone else a turn :-)

I hope that you all will continue to support We Care with me. The work that is being done there is changing lives. It is saving lives on Earth and for Eternity. Every woman who walks through those front doors, is facing a life or death situation. The Client Advocates are on the front lines and they are doing a great job. I have been honored to lead them!

Debbi

Battles

So, I have wanted to write this blog for a couple weeks. I have struggled with how much to share and how it would be received. I decided that, like everything else I write, this is my blog. This is my way of getting things out of my head. Saying things that I may be too chicken to say in person.

I have also decided to be kind of vague this time (so unlike me). So, if you are looking for gossip material, sorry!! You won't find it here.

I need to start by saying that James and I are good!! But, we have been through some things lately that have shaken us up a bit. I have shared specifics with just a few very close friends. Friends who I knew would be on their knees before the Father on our behalf. Friends who love Jesus as much as we do. Friends who would pace their bedroom at 4 AM praying.

I am more convinced than ever that we are facing spiritual battles every single day. It is so easy to talk about God and Heaven. Who wants to talk about Satan and Hell? Well, guess what, if you believe in God and if you believe that His word is Truth, there is no way around it. Satan is real and he is here.

These words are written in red (that means they are the words of Jesus)--John 10:10 "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." NIV

That is a scary and yet comforting message. Yes, Satan is here and his whole agenda is to destroy us. He wants to kill marriages and families. He wants to steal the joy that only comes from Jesus Christ. But, Jesus is here too. He wants to love us and protects us. He guides us to make good choices that will strengthen us. His Holy Spirit lives in those who have accepted the free gift of salvation. He lives in us!!

There is a spiritual battle raging around us every second of every day. We are drowning in messages from the father of lies. It is in advertisements and on TV and certainly on our computer screens and smart phones. It is in the unsaved people who influence us. This world is full of darkness. As Christians, we are called to be the light. We are called to reflect the Light of Jesus everywhere we go. To expose sin and darkness so that it can be dealt with!

That's not always easy. The darkness can be so powerful and if we are near it long enough and if we do not come back to the Light often enough, we can be sucked in. We can stop feeling the prompting of the Holy Spirit. We can become cold to the One who chose the cross and died to pay for our sins. We can do things that we never, ever thought were possible. We can hurt people who love us.

But, go back and read the second half of that verse. Jesus came to free us from all that. He came that we may have life, and have it to the full. Hallelujah!! We are free!!

Have you seen James' new tattoo? It's the pic for this blog entry. That verse has been so healing for us. (I would have gotten a tattoo with him but I'm chicken!!) That verse is pure truth. As long as we can hold onto that, we can make it through anything. I'm not saying it will be easy, but that truth is more powerful than all the lies in the world.

One of the ways that we have decided to protect ourselves from Satan is to stay away from all alcohol from now on. This is a decision that we came to together for the betterment of our family. I'm sorry if that makes some of you uncomfortable but we have to do what we know is right for our family. Now, I'm not necessarily saying that alcohol is the source of all our problems, but it does not help. It leaves us numb to the prompting of the Holy Spirit and vulnerable to Satan. It opens the door for sin :-(

I know that we still have a long way to go. The things we have been through will be with me for the rest of my life. Things that have been done, cannot be undone. Words that have been said, cannot be unsaid. We will have good days and we will have bad days, but I know who wins this war. I have read the last page of the book!!

Friends, please take this seriously. Protect what comes from the Lord and steer clear of things that don't. Spend time in fellowship with other believers. Spend time in prayer and in God's Word.

Matthew 22:37-38 "Jesus replied: 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment." NIV

James and I are blessed to have incredible friends who have prayed us through some tough stuff. It is only because of them and my God that I stayed out of the black hole of depression. I toyed with the idea of jumping in that hole head first and staying there forever. Thank you to everyone who has prayed for us. Thank you for loving us!! Thank you for holding us up when we were not strong enough to stand on our own. We love you!!

Debbi

I wish...

I wish I could understand how you feel. I wish I knew what a "low" really feels like. I see the fear in your eyes. I hear it in your voice. We have done this hundreds of times now. Why is it still so scary?

I have read everything I can get my hands on. I have read explanation after explanation of what you are feeling and yet I still have no idea. Why is it that you can feel nothing one time and feel awful the next time? I don't understand.

What are you thinking? Do you think about the "what-ifs"? Do you really understand what can happen? Is that what you're thinking about? Or, is it just instinct? Is it a natural response that forces you to take action?

And the "highs". They don't seem to bother you as much, until you see the number. Then what? Are you feeling ashamed or embarrassed? Are you mad at me? At yourself? At diabetes? At God? Do you feel as angry as you act? Do you understand the long term consequences of high blood sugars?

You are 9 years old! These are not things that a 9 year old should have to think about. I hope that if you know nothing else, you know how very much you are loved. I would take this disease from you in a second if I could. I would give my life if you could have yours back. I am really and truly trying to understand. I want to help. I want to protect you.

Sometimes, I think we've got this. We can handle this. And other times, I think this is going to kill me. When you are crying and shaking and barely able to talk and refusing to let anyone help you, I feel lost and helpless. I wonder what it would be like to have a "normal" life. I feel guilty for even thinking that :-(

I promise that I will always fight for you. I will always believe that a cure is possible. I will never give up hope. I know that our God is in control even when we are not. Or, should I say, especially when we are not.

You don't know

I haven't blogged in a LONG time. Mostly because I have been busy. Partially because I did a lot of writing when I was fundraising for We Care and JDRF at the same time and I got a little burnt out. But, also because I just haven't had anything that I really wanted to write about.

I have had this list swirling in my head for a few days now, making it hard to sleep. It's a list of things you don't know. Now, don't get offended. It's not your fault that you don't know and I sincerely hope that you never have to know. I also understand that some of you DO know, all too well. My fellow D-moms, you know. Moms with kids who have any chronic illness/disability, you will be able to relate to a lot of this list.

So, here it is--things you don't know:

You don't know what it feels like in that last 2 steps toward Brenna's bedroom door every morning, praying that she is alive.

You don't know what it feels like to look at her poor, bruised little thumbs because that's where she prefers to poke herself.

You don't know what it's like to not enjoy her concert because all you can think is "is she ok", "does she need juice", "are the lights affecting her", "what about her nerves", "what if she passes out", "can I get to her in time".

You don't know the constant fear of what high blood sugars are doing to her kidneys, heart, eyes, nerves, everything.

You don't know what it feels like to watch her cry because she doesn't want another shot/pump site/blood draw.

You don't know what it's like to have people say that this is your "new normal". I hate those words!

You don't know how it feels when your non-D child says that sometimes they wish they could get Diabetes so they could get special treatment too.

You don't know how it feels to never be able to let it go. To have Diabetes occupy a part of your heart and your mind 24/7/365.

You don't know real guilt like I feel when her numbers are bad.

You don't know what it's like to be terrified that she might want to go to college.

You don't know how it feels to wish she wouldn't wrestle with her dad or her sisters because you're afraid that she will rip her pump site out.

You don't know what its like to pack for a kid with diabetes!

You don't know what it's like to have to follow her to church camp because it is a full time job to take care of her and you can't ask anyone else to do that. Even if they did, I would be nervous wreck!

You don't know what it's like to be sitting in church and the Sunday School teacher comes in and says, "It's Brenna".

You don't know how it feels to wish someone close to me could really understand but know that the only way they could is to have their child have Diabetes and I definitely don't want that.

You don't know what it's like to have constant contact with the school nurse.

You don't know what it's like to know that if your child ever wants children, she will have high risk, probably very difficult pregnancies.

You don't know what it's like to know that your other kids and future grandkids are at a higher risk for developing diabetes.

You don't know how much I read about diabetes. Always praying that the answer is in the next article.

You don't know what it's like to really pray for a cure. To be absolutely willing to give up everything to find that cure. Even if it meant my own life.

You don't know what it's like to never be able to look at her as just a kid. I always see Diabetes.

You don't know what it's like to say "We're ok" when you know that will never be true.

You don't know what it's like to look back at old pictures and automatically decide if it was before or after Diabetes. If before, the next thought is always if there are any signs that it's coming.

You don't know what it's like to be resentful of people who let their kids walk around with bags of potato chips or candy in front of Brenna knowing that she will never be able to just graze like that. She can have that stuff but she will always have to check her sugar, determine how much she is going to eat, and bolus.

You don't know what it's like to have to pull over on your way to WalMart because she feels low and too shaky to check her blood sugar when the car is moving.

You don't know how heart breaking it is to tell your little girl that this is forever. That she must count carbs and take insulin or she will die.

You don't know how heart breaking it is to face that fact yourself. Even if we do everything right, there are no guarantees. This disease could kill her.

I could go on for days, but I think that's enough for now.

I want you all to know how much I appreciate all of you who have made any effort to understand Diabetes and be able to care for Brenna. It means so much to have family and friends on this journey with us. Hopefully, you will never know what this feels like from the driver's seat (only Brenna can sit there), but we are all passengers on this ride. Thank you for not jumping off!! Thank you for not being afraid!!

Love,
Debbi