This Was Not My Plan

 Sometimes, maybe more times than not, life does not go the way we plan. 

I am a planner. I am a first born, former military, type A, perfectionist. I want a checklist and a checklist for the checklist. I am not flexible. I do not like change. I've had a plan for my life since I was a little girl and for the most part, that plan has fallen into place. Actually, nothing "fell" into place. I made the choices, I did the hard work. But still, my life has not turned out the way I planned.

When I was in basic training, we were offered an opportunity to participate in a program called the GI bill. Essentially, we put a little money per pay check for x amount of time toward our own education. When we wanted to go to school, the military would pay the remainder of the balance and we would be able to go to school almost for free. Sounds good, right?? Most of my fellow trainees thought so and jumped at the chance. I remember telling the instructor "I won't need that. When I get out of here, I am getting married and having babies." I knew what I wanted and I didn't need school to tell me how to take care of my family. I already had a plan.

To say that my childhood was dysfunctional is an understatement. I'm not going to get into that right now and even that one sentence is going to offend some people, but it is the truth. I wanted a life that I never saw modeled. I wanted a marriage that lasted forever. A husband who loved me and did not hurt me. I wanted to be a wife who loved and encouraged my husband until death do we part. I wanted financial security. I wanted a long term home where we could make memories and our kids could someday bring their kids back to see their old rooms. I wanted my children to always feel safe, to know where they were sleeping and who would be there in the morning. It was insanely important to me that my children never have to switch schools and be the new kid. Ever.

No matter how hard I try, I cannot control everything (or anything?). I cannot control other people's choices. I cannot control the consequences of those choices. I know that God has a plan and that His ways are far better than mine. I know that He will never leave me nor forsake me. I know that I only see through the keyhole and He sees the whole room. I know. I know. I know. I can quote the scriptures, I can give you all the textbook, Christian answers. But, I have to say, I'm not feeling any of that right now. I am walking through a very dark season and I'm not sure I will ever come out of it. My only option is to trust that what God says is true. I try not to put too much emphasis on what I feel. Feelings lie. I have to remind myself that what God says is true, what I feel today may not be true. 

My new mantra--One foot in front of the other and breathe. One foot in front of the other and breathe. One foot in front of the other and breathe.

My life is not going the way I planned, not at all. So, what am I going to do about it? Well, one thing I'm good at is making a plan. That's what I will do! Not necessarily a new plan....maybe a supplemental plan?? A plan to get back to the original plan. What am I not going to do? I'm not going to give up. I'm not going to blame God. I'm not going to roll over and die (no matter how much I want to). 

I know lots of you have been praying and I feel your prayers. When I no longer have the words, I know that the people who love me are lifting me up. That is the best thing you can do for me right now! Know that I will be ok. I trust God. I trust His plan. Even when my flesh cannot feel His presence, my soul knows that He is with me always. 

<3 Debbi

Confession

I have been on yet another diet for the past few months or years or my whole life or whatever. It feels like I'm always on a diet and I'm tired of it. I need to fix this while I'm at a healthy weight so I don't gain again. I've been doing a lot of thinking trying to figure out just why I always gain the weight back.....

The other night, Becca was here and James said something about working out. He didn't mean anything by it, he just really likes to work out and he loves it when the girls will work out with him. It's like bonding for him. Weird! His comment triggered a conversation that I knew was coming someday, but never wanted to have. My constant dieting and obsessing over my weight has affected how my girls feel about themselves and that breaks me. Becca said something to the effect of "if you hate yourself when you gain weight, how am I supposed to feel about myself when I gain weight?" OUCH! I never wanted them to feel about themselves the way I feel about myself. I don't know how to fix it.

I have come to the conclusion that I have some sort of eating disorder. I'm not a doctor but I think it probably has to do with binge eating and addiction. I don't know. What I do know-I'm either "on" or "off". There is no in between. There is no moderation. There is no taste and walk away. I am absolutely addicted to sugar and carbs. If I have them, in any form, I obsess over getting more. It's all I can think about. I wake up thinking about food, I go to bed thinking about food. And, it's always junk food. I do not like vegetables, I do not like salad, I do not like water. I eat very little fruit. I absolutely, positively DESPISE working out. That all feels like punishment. I know, that is flawed thinking. I know that I am broken. I don't know how to fix it.

When I'm "on", I do great. I have a will power that few people understand. I can go days barely eating a thing. I can resist any temptation. I can "control" what I put in my mouth, maybe a form of anorexia. But then, if I screw up, the guilt is overwhelming. The self hatred is unbelievable. I have used laxatives after binging in an attempt to get rid of it quickly. I'm sure that's a form of bulimia.

I have been on Weight Watchers for the past few months and I think that's the healthiest thing for me. I log everything I eat! The nice thing for me is that I can strive for a blue dot every day. You only get a blue dot if you eat within a healthy range which means I cannot eat too little or too much. I might be a little competitive so working for the blue dot (my prize) works for me. I feel like I'm in a good place for now. My only concern is knowing when to quit. I am always pushing for the next lowest number. Maintenance is not my friend. I know how to lose, I do not know how to maintain. I think it may be time to talk to a counselor which is terrifying all in itself.

I hate that my issues have harmed my beautiful daughters. I have tried so hard to be a good mom. I wanted them to have a loving, stable, safe home. I wanted them to always know that they are loved unconditionally and that they don't have to do anything to earn anyone's love-including being skinny. I wanted them to be secure in who they are and what they deserve. Maybe it's not too late. Maybe I can teach them that it's ok to ask for help. I don't know what else to do.

I'm not sure why I'm writing this. I think this feels like a confession. Maybe a first step, admitting there is a problem. I'm not sure what the next step is but I'm hopeful that someday I will look in the mirror and see more than "the fat girl" and what I still need to lose. 

Thanks For Reading,

💗 Debbi

What is it worth to you?

If  you have known me for more than 5 minutes, you know that I have battled my weight almost my whole life. The doctor put me on my first diet when I was 2 years old. I've been on a bunch of different diets a bunch of different times. Right now, it's Weight Watchers.

I was shopping a couple weeks ago, trying to get the food I like for the least possible points. I looked at tortellini for like 5 minutes, trying to see which would "cost" me the least. It wasn't about money this time, it was about points. And that got me thinking....

What was that tortellini worth to me? Was it worth the 7 points it would cost me? The answer- maybe not every day but yes, that tortellini is worth 7 points to me-sometimes.

I've been replaying those thoughts in my mind for a couple weeks and I think I had a revelation that just might help me stick to this diet and hopefully even finally keep the weight off. Everything, every single thing we do, costs us something. Everything. Every decision, every relationship, every vote ;-), every everything. It all costs something, we get to decide if it's worth it. And, what's worth it to me may not be worth it to you and vice versa.

And that's not necessarily a bad thing. Our homes cost us something but most of us would agree the cost is worth not sleeping in the rain. Going out to dinner costs us something but we also get something out of it. Just because something has a cost does not mean it's a bad thing or that it is not worth that cost.

When I make the decision to get up and go to work in the morning, that costs me something. It costs time with my family. It costs added stress. It costs gas and miles on my car. But, is it worth it? Yes. Because what I get out of it is more than what it costs me. I get the satisfaction of knowing I am helping people. I get the love and support of coworkers that I would not have known otherwise. I get a pay check. Yes, it is worth it to me.

Our relationships costs us something. Relationships with spouses, kids, parents, and friends- they all cost something. But is it worth it? I would hope that most of our relationships are worth it. I love my husband with everything that I am but being married to him costs me something. I can't flirt with other men. I can't move to Florida. I can't get another puppy. My marriage costs me a lot but it is definitely worth it. What I get from being married- safety, security, love, forever dates-that is all worth so much more to me than the "cost" of being married.

Having kids cost me something. A LOT of somethings! But, I wouldn't have it any other way. Having dogs costs me something, dog hair everywhere ;-) But, yes they are worth it. I think you get the point. Everything we have, everything we do, costs us something. We make hundreds of decisions every day regarding what our choices cost and what they are worth to us. 

So, back to the diet. Every time I want to eat something, I need to think about what it costs me. Points are a tangible way to see that cost. Obviously, I can still eat whatever I want, but I will pay for it. Every bite costs me something. Some of those bites are worth it. They nourish me and keep me healthy. But some of those bites do nothing good for me.

It's Halloween. There is a huge bowl of chocolate sitting on my table and I've walked past it several times today. I haven't touched it! Because, what those little, seemingly harmless, pieces of chocolate will cost me is more than I am willing to pay. They are not worth it. They are not worth the increased sugar cravings, they are not worth taking me further from my goals, they are not worth feeling guilty. 

Ultimately, I have to remember that I am worth it. I am worth the hard choices. I am worth the effort. After all, Jesus thought I was worth dying for! He knew what I cost and He paid the price for me. What choices are you making today? What is the cost? Is it worth it to you?

Something to think about....

<3 Debbi

Writing, Therapy, Both??

 

Why do I write? Why do I feel the need to put my thoughts out there for people who very well may disagree with me? Especially now! Do I somehow think that my opinion matters more than anyone else's? Do I think my thoughts are going to change anyone's mind? Probably not.

Most people who know me know that I am a pretty even tempered, mild mannered person. Yes, I can be intense at times, but mostly I am not. I tend to sit on the sidelines of life. I don't really feel comfortable participating in most things. I prefer to sit back and watch, especially when it comes to new people. I am generally quiet, but always watching. I am an observer, a thinker.

With much observing and proportionately less talking, my thoughts can run wild. I sometimes feel like there are ten different conversations happening in my head at once. Conversations that get stuck there and have nowhere to go, and sometimes they become something they never should have been. A simple disagreement with my husband (not unlike the disagreements of every couple in the history of the world) can snowball into a very real fear that he is going to leave me within just a couple hours, all because my thoughts got away from me. 

The Bible says that we are to take our thoughts captive. "We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ." 2 Corinthians 10:5 My thoughts are not always obedient to Christ, they do not always line up with who God says I am. When I write, my brain over powers my emotions and I can sort things out. It helps me figure out what is real and of God and what is not. I am able to take my thoughts captive through writing.

That is one of the many things writing does for me. It helps me clean up my thoughts, to know what is real and what is not. Once I have it sorted out, I feel like writing helps me to say things in a way that I could never do verbally. In a verbal conversation, if someone disagrees with me, I will generally back down or clam up. I do not feel confident that my point of view is valid. I don't feel smart enough or educated enough or enough period. I do not like confrontation and will avoid it at all cost, including just keeping my mouth shut. Writing gives me a freedom to say what I want/need to say that feels safe.

I will probably never write for a huge audience (although, I do have a book idea in it's very infant stages!). I will probably never change anyone's mind, most of the people who read my words already agree with me. But- I will sort out my thoughts and my feelings. I will remember to whom I belong and who He says I am. I will take my thoughts captive. I write for me, but you all are invited to the party ;-)

I have always enjoyed writing, but something feels different this time. I feel a fire that I haven't felt in a long time, an excitement. I have been a martyr to motherhood for the past 20 years, I haven't had anything that I have done just for me in longer than I can remember. This, this is just for me. If nobody else ever reads a single word I write, that's ok. Every time I open this blog is like therapy for me. Just for me. 

Much Love, Debbi

I'll never work a day...

I don't like working. I never have. I don't take pride in bringing home a pay check. I don't feel a sense of self worth because I have a job. I never have. That is just not how I'm wired and I believe that is by design ;-) Life is short and any job I have is taking hours away from my family. And so, that job Must be worth it. Anything that I am sacrificing time with my family for, MUST be worth it. 

That being said....

I do enjoy helping people. I desire to see people do better, have better, be better. I love seeing lives transformed and even saved. I want to make a difference in the world. That is how I'm wired. I am a "fixer". I am not overly emotional on the outside, but on the inside...oh my. I feel like I can feel other people's pain. Their stories sit with me until I almost feel like I was there. I have this desire to make things better for people and to teach them how to make things better for themselves. 

This is why I do the work I do. I truly feel called to it. I know that when God knit me together in my Mother's womb, He knew that I would fight for people. He knew that I would fight for Life. He knew that my "work" would need to be His work. Sometimes, this work can be very, very hard. Sometimes, I want to tap out. I want to pass the baton to someone else, anyone else. Sometimes, I feel like God picked the wrong person. But, I know, He did not. He does not make mistakes and therefore, I am right where I'm supposed to be.

Recently, I was texting with a woman I have never met. This woman had just given birth to a stillborn baby. She was devastated! She needed someone to talk to, someone to listen, someone to say it's ok to be sad. She needed someone to tell her that her baby mattered. I was honored to take any of that burden from her that I could.

And then this week, a few volunteers and I had the opportunity to interview a couple clients for our upcoming fundraiser. I listened to them talk about how they felt before We Care and how they feel now. About their goals, their dreams, their futures. Their lives have truly changed because someone cared, because their advocates took the time to listen and to encourage and to show them another way. No paycheck is as rewarding as those words were to me! 

I am honestly thankful to have been called into a work that changes lives. A work that breaks generational patterns of bad decisions, abuse, neglect, addictions. A work that transforms families. A work that is worth sacrificing those hours with my family ;-)

No, I don't like to "work"-But, I love my job ;-)

<3 Debbi

I'm Back :-)

Whoa! It's been a minute since I've written anything! A few years back, I quit reading. I don't know why. Life. Kids. Didn't feel like it. Social Media. Who knows? But, I think I stopped writing at about the same time. Why? I enjoy reading. I enjoy writing. Why did I stop? Did I run out of things to say? Nope, that's definitely not it ;-) Tonight, I was just curious if this blog still exists. What do you know? Here it is!

Life update since 2016--Not much has changed. And, everything has changed. 

Becca is 20 years old and living on her own. James and I are still learning how to parent an adult child. It's a delicate balance of hanging on for dear life and letting go at the same time. And, we have a very adorable grand kitten!

Haley will be 18 in just a few short months. She is already starting to push for some of those adult freedoms. She is very independent and yet our most "attached" child. Figure that one out! She has talked about the military and college and everything in between. She just hasn't made a decision yet and that's ok.

Brenna is 15. Looking forward to driving and tasting some of the freedom she has seen her sisters enjoy. She has an interest in going into medicine in some form but definitely does not want to deal with other Diabetics ;-) She is a thinker and is not easily swayed.

James and I are still living the dream :-) Happily married and we even still like each other! We enjoy date days now that the girls are older and don't need as much supervision. We even took a vacation to Florida all alone! We are happy to be navigating this life together :-)

So, that's the short version. I have a lot I want to write about. Stay tuned!

<3 Debbi

Crisis

I was texting with a friend recently who said something that really has me thinking. We were talking about my time as the Client Services Director at We Care. She said, "Sadly half or more of the time you were CSD, you were in crisis...the enemy is a jerk." At first, I thought, "No, that can't be right." But then, I really started to think about the last few years....

She's right! It has been one thing after another since January 2013. I think I had just grown so accustomed to survival mode that I forgot what it was like not to feel like that. Survival had become my "normal"

It started with Brenna's Type 1 Diabetes diagnosis in January 2013. And then, we lost Daisy that April. (May not seem like  a crisis to you, but it crushed me.) James did a full year of third shift (January 2013 - January 2014) and I became a single parent trying to learn to care for a diabetic child by myself. And then in summer/fall of 2014, I went through some personal stuff that shook my whole world and everything that I thought I knew. Late 2014 and early 2015, 3 of my 4 parents were hospitalized several times. I quit a job that I absolutely loved in May 2015. And that October we lost my niece at 18 weeks.

Fast forward to today and I can tell you that I am not in crisis!! YAY!! I am remembering who I am outside of just surviving. I am looking back at the past 3 1/2 years and I know how strong I am! Satan pulled out all the stops. He tried to break me and he failed. He must be scared ;-) I am a child of the One True King and I have nothing to fear.

Romans 8:31New International Version (NIV)

31 What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us,who can be against us?

This all got me thinking about my clients. Their lives are often lived in survival mode. So many come from broken families and constant crisis. And then, they get a positive pregnancy test and it pushes them over the edge. They are no longer thinking about the future, they don't care about consequences or possible side effects. They just want to survive! And that's where they are when they make the biggest decision of their lives :-(

I can tell you that I have made a lot of decisions in the past 3 1/2 years. Some were right, some were wrong, some turned out better in the end, some I regret. I can't take any of them back. I just move on from here and do the best I can from now on. I am thankful that I always had people to talk to. I was surrounded by people who love me and love Jesus and prayed for me and offered great support and advice. I am happy to be able to do that for our clients :-)

To everyone who has seen me through these tough times, Thank You!! I am still here because you loved me and you always pointed me to the One who loves me so much that He sent His only Son to die for me. For me! I don't even know if I can wrap my brain around that, but I choose to believe it even before I completely understand it. Faith :-)

Love,

Debbi

Too Close To Home

As most of you know, a freshman at Rebecca's school took his own life this week. I didn't know this boy. My girls didn't know him. He was younger than Becca and older than Haley. Still, his death has impacted us. Why? Because it's too close to home. Not only in a geographical sense but in a life stage sense. When I heard the news, I automatically wept for his mother. I just cannot wrap my head around losing my child. Especially when it didn't have to happen.

There is a lot of talk about bullying. This boy had been bullied for years. There are programs in our schools designed to protect kids from bullying. Obviously, it's not enough. My girls know who the bullies at GKHS and GKMS are. I guarantee you, if you have kids in school, your kids know who the bullies in their schools are too. So, why is nothing done? There are two things that the girls and I have been talking about--1) A victim (or witness) who reports bullying, will be bullied even more. They will be targeted. And 2) The bullies often get a slap in the wrist and nothing more. So, why tell?

I was bullied all through middle and high school. I believe there are many different forms of bullying. It doesn't always have to be physical or even verbal, I was mostly just ignored with some occasional verbal abuse. I cannot tell you how much it would have meant to me for someone to smile at me or say hi. Or invite me to their group during group projects (other than just to get me to do the whole thing!). I had a few good friends, but most of the other kids never gave me the time of day.  I was horribly shy and I know now that may have come off as being mean or not wanting people to talk to me. I made it through but I wouldn't go back to high school for all the money in the world.

I don't want you to feel sorry for me. I want you to think. Think about that person eating lunch by him/herself. Think about that mom at the soccer game sitting by herself. Think about your kids. How do they treat others.

Is your child being bullied? If so, teach them to stand up for themselves. Teach them to tell enough adults so that they are protected and something is done about it. If you know about it, you need to get loud. Go to the school. Go to the other kid's house. Pull your kid out of school if you have to. You must protect your child. I am so tired of hearing "that's how kids are" or "they're just teasing" or whatever other excuse people can come up with. As adults, we are responsible for raising mature, respectable adults. We are also responsible for teaching consequences. Stop sweeping it under the rug. Make noise until the bullies are punished and the behavior is stopped.

Is your child a bystander? Maybe your kid is not being bullied but they know someone who is. They are afraid to say anything because they do not want to become the target. I get it. But, it's time to teach our kids to step up and step in even when it's hard. Teach your kids that if they witness bullying and they do nothing, they are just as guilty as the bully. Teach your kids to stand up for those who cannot stand up for themselves.

Is your child the bully? Nobody wants to think that their kid could be a bully. But, bullies are somebody's kid too. Are you being honest with yourself? How does your kid talk about other people? Are you really monitoring their social media? Are they the kids starting fake accounts calling other kids gay? Be honest with yourself. Could your kid be a bully? What are you going to do about it?

I believe that there need to be stricter consequences for bullying. Suspensions, public apologies, juvenile detention. These kids need to pay for their crimes. And yes, bullying should be a crime. How many more kids have to lose their lives before we take this seriously?

This young man felt like he had no other options and now he is gone. This breaks my heart in ways that I can't really express. But, there is another thought that has crippled me these last couple of days. What if? What if, instead of only taking his own life, he had taken that gun to school? What if he had decided to take out the bullies? What if my kid had been caught in the crossfire? What if? A little sign on the door would not have stopped him. Even as I mourn his death, I thank God that he wasn't the kind of kid who would hurt others. He could have. If he had wanted to, he could have killed some of our kids before killing himself. But, he didn't do that. He sounds like he was a protector even though he was facing his own bullies.

We will never know who the world lost in this tragic action. He will never go to prom or graduate high school or get married or give his parents grandchildren. We cannot let this continue. Talk to your kids. Be honest with them and yourself. Protect those who are targeted and punish those who mistreat others. No more excuses. No more sweeping bad behavior under the rug.

I'm sorry, I know this post is a lot of rambling and I don't  have all the answers, but I know that we have to do more. We have to protect our children! Talk to your kids. Report bullying. Treat others well. Be a good example. Teach your kids that they will pay consequences for bad behavior. Stop making excuses.

I don't know what else to say...

Widows and Orphans

We are abundantly blessed! Our kids have never had to worry that their power would get shut off, or where they were going to sleep, or where their next meal was coming from. They have not been exposed to drug abuse, alcoholism, or domestic violence. They are secure in our ability to care for them. They enjoy a stability that millions of children in this country have never known.

As a family, we have prayed about and talked about how to help children who do not have the things that our kids have. We have decided to begin the process of becoming a "safe family".

Safe Families is a step before the foster care system. We will open our home to children who are voluntarily surrendered by their parents for a temporary time. These families are in a crisis situation and need someone to care for their children while they get back on their feet. They may be homeless due to job loss or extended illness. One or both parents may be serving short sentences in jail. It may be that Mom needs surgery and there is no one to care for her child while she is hospitalized. We want to be the safety net for families who have nowhere else to turn. 

We have begun the process by submitting an "interest form". We will have a home inspection and background checks before we are qualified to care for any children. We will have the right to say yes or no to any child/situation. We are looking at caring for children under the age of 4, but we are flexible.

Please join us in praying over this. Pray for the children and the parents that we will be meeting. Pray for patience and understanding as we care for children who have come from crisis situations. Pray that we stay in God's will at all times (I tend to do what I want and pray about it later).

You can learn more about Safe Families at

www.safe-families.org

You can also submit your own "interest form" there :-)

Why Diabetes Camp?

We have been living and breathing Diabetes for over 2 years now. It is 24/7/365. There is no such thing as a break from Diabetes. Every day, we work to keep Brenna's blood sugar under control. Some days are better than others, but we are managing. We have adjusted to this new life, but I will never call it "normal". This year, we have decided to send her to Diabetes Camp! Why? Lots of reasons--the biggest being that she will learn ways to take care of herself for the rest of her life.

Since the day of diagnosis, James and I have agreed to let Brenna be a kid first and a diabetic second. We try to never let Diabetes stop her from doing what she wants to do. We want her to be just like the other kids. But, guess what? She's not. That thought really hit me the day that I sent in her camp application. I put it in the mailbox and I just sat for a minute. I was struck by the thought that this camp is necessary. That there are enough kids living with this disease to make it necessary for camps all across the country to fill up with kids every summer. That for one week, these kids really do get to be like all the other kids. I wish I could be there to see Brenna "fit in" again after 2 years of being different from all her peers.

I also realized that I have had a change of heart. Two years ago, I would have said that Brenna didn't need camp because the cure is right around the corner. I believed that she would be cured before Diabetes could do irreparable damage to her body. I still hope and pray for that every day! But...what if the cure is further away than I would like? What if we never get a cure, just better management? My job is to prepare my children to be successful adults. That includes teaching Brenna to live the healthiest life possible in spite of this disease.

That's where Diabetes Camp comes in. These camps are staffed with medical professionals and volunteers (many who are Type Ones themselves) who really understand Diabetes. They can teach Brenna from a perspective that James and I just don't have. They will encourage her to be independent. She will most likely do her own site changes. She will learn about managing diabetes and nutrition. She will be given an opportunity to talk about her feelings and the emotional stresses that come with having a life altering, incurable disease. She will meet new friends who really understand what she goes through every day. She will also enjoy camp fires, swimming, rock walls, ropes courses, archery, crafts, and more!!

The camp that Brenna will be going to is called "Triangle D" and it is held at the YMCA camp in Ingleside, IL. It is a 6 night camp starting on July 26th. You can read more about it at:

 http://www.diabetes.org/in-my-community/diabetes-camp/camps/triangle-d.html

Our family is really excited that Brenna has this opportunity! (Mama is a bit terrified, though!!) We want to see her grow from this experience. We know that she will gain knowledge, confidence, and friends at camp that she can't get anywhere else. So, we stepped out in faith and signed her up without knowing how we would pay for this. It is very expensive because of the type of camp it is. There is at least one medical professional for every 10 campers. That's quite a staff!

Here is a comment I found from a previous camper:

"Six days to be just like everyone else. I’ve had diabetes for 13 years now and sometimes it's hard to find people that I can relate to. It's tough to feel like you’re the only person in the world who has to deal with this, but then you go to camp. Camp to me, is a place where I feel safe and people understand what I'm going through. When I'm there everyone gets it, no one stares, and there's no explanation necessary. Camp has really impacted me and motivated me to take care of my disease. Every year, with the thought of camp, I strive to stay in better control and take care of myself."

We have had some family and friends offer to help us pay for Brenna's camp :-) What an amazing blessing!! We believe that if someone wants to bless you, you should let them. So...Please, let us know if you would like to donate to our camp fund (we are not too proud to accept help!) :-) And, please, join us in praying for the campers and staff who will be taking part in Diabetes Camps all across the country this summer. Thank You :-)

James and Debbi

When God closes a door...

First blog of 2015. Everything feels so fresh, so new. It's almost like we get a "do over" every 365 days. Of course, we don't really, but it feels like that sometimes. It seems that this is a good time to reflect on your life. How are things going? What makes you happy? What makes you sad? What are you doing well? What could you do better at? What changes will you make in the coming year?

I found myself asking these questions and more as I closed out 2014. The answers surprised even me! I took my concerns to my husband and then we both took them to God in prayer. After much talking and praying, we decided that I would resign from my position as the Client Services Director at We Care Pregnancy Clinic. Believe me, you are not more shocked than I was. I NEVER thought I would leave We Care. I love what We Care does. I love the volunteers. I love the clients.

So, why leave? Well, there are lots of answers to that question. There is no one huge answer. Ultimately, it boils down to the fact that I am not doing my job to the best of my ability. I have been distracted. That goes for both of my jobs, at home and at the clinic. That's not fair to anyone. I find that there are things slipping through the cracks at work and at home. My first priority is my home. My husband and my children need me. We Care will be fine, they will find a new CSD. James and the girls only get one me. I only get one chance to do this right. Before we know it, our girls will be grown and gone. I do not want to look back and regret time that I should have made for them.

My passion for the work that We Care does is just as strong as ever. I will continue to serve as a volunteer Client Advocate. That's what I love! I love sitting across from a client and helping her talk through one of the most important decisions she will ever make. I love being the support to women who have no one else to go to. I love introducing Moms and Dads to their babies for the very first time. I love watching hearts change and turn toward the One who knit them together. I will forever stay connected to We Care! I will continue to raise support for them whenever I can. The Walk For Life will be here before you know it, expect that I will be just as persistent in asking for donations as I always have been ;-)

So, what now? Well, I guess we wait and see. I know that God has a plan and I trust Him. I will continue to work at We Care until the end of May. I hope that we will find my replacement soon and that I can train her to do everything just like me ;-) After that, I am taking the summer off. My girls have spent a lot of time alone the past couple summers. This year, they will be sick of me! I am hoping to take in a baby or two for babysitting in the fall. After that, it's all up to God.

An interesting Godincidence happened a couple days after I put in my resignation--I got the letter that we would start training for the "cuddler" program at Rockford Memorial within the next couple of months. Maybe that's what's next? Maybe nursing? I will not pretend to know what God has in store for me or my family, but I am super excited!

I have grown by leaps and bounds during my time at We Care. I have gone from someone so painfully shy that I was afraid to talk to anyone, to someone who gets up in front of hundreds of people at church or at our annual Circle of Care Banquet and talks into a microphone. My faith has grown tremendously in the 6 years I have served in this ministry. I have made friends who I will love all my life. Friends who have loved me and prayed me through some of the worst days of my life. Friends who have cheered with me and for me during some of the best days of my life.

We did not make this decision lightly. Walking away in May (even though I know I will be back!), is going to hurt. But, I love my family and they deserve all of me. And We Care deserves someone who can give more than I can right now. I feel good about the legacy I am leaving. I have done good things. I have helped push We Care in the right direction. It's time for me to give someone else a turn :-)

I hope that you all will continue to support We Care with me. The work that is being done there is changing lives. It is saving lives on Earth and for Eternity. Every woman who walks through those front doors, is facing a life or death situation. The Client Advocates are on the front lines and they are doing a great job. I have been honored to lead them!

Debbi

Battles

So, I have wanted to write this blog for a couple weeks. I have struggled with how much to share and how it would be received. I decided that, like everything else I write, this is my blog. This is my way of getting things out of my head. Saying things that I may be too chicken to say in person.

I have also decided to be kind of vague this time (so unlike me). So, if you are looking for gossip material, sorry!! You won't find it here.

I need to start by saying that James and I are good!! But, we have been through some things lately that have shaken us up a bit. I have shared specifics with just a few very close friends. Friends who I knew would be on their knees before the Father on our behalf. Friends who love Jesus as much as we do. Friends who would pace their bedroom at 4 AM praying.

I am more convinced than ever that we are facing spiritual battles every single day. It is so easy to talk about God and Heaven. Who wants to talk about Satan and Hell? Well, guess what, if you believe in God and if you believe that His word is Truth, there is no way around it. Satan is real and he is here.

These words are written in red (that means they are the words of Jesus)--John 10:10 "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." NIV

That is a scary and yet comforting message. Yes, Satan is here and his whole agenda is to destroy us. He wants to kill marriages and families. He wants to steal the joy that only comes from Jesus Christ. But, Jesus is here too. He wants to love us and protects us. He guides us to make good choices that will strengthen us. His Holy Spirit lives in those who have accepted the free gift of salvation. He lives in us!!

There is a spiritual battle raging around us every second of every day. We are drowning in messages from the father of lies. It is in advertisements and on TV and certainly on our computer screens and smart phones. It is in the unsaved people who influence us. This world is full of darkness. As Christians, we are called to be the light. We are called to reflect the Light of Jesus everywhere we go. To expose sin and darkness so that it can be dealt with!

That's not always easy. The darkness can be so powerful and if we are near it long enough and if we do not come back to the Light often enough, we can be sucked in. We can stop feeling the prompting of the Holy Spirit. We can become cold to the One who chose the cross and died to pay for our sins. We can do things that we never, ever thought were possible. We can hurt people who love us.

But, go back and read the second half of that verse. Jesus came to free us from all that. He came that we may have life, and have it to the full. Hallelujah!! We are free!!

Have you seen James' new tattoo? It's the pic for this blog entry. That verse has been so healing for us. (I would have gotten a tattoo with him but I'm chicken!!) That verse is pure truth. As long as we can hold onto that, we can make it through anything. I'm not saying it will be easy, but that truth is more powerful than all the lies in the world.

One of the ways that we have decided to protect ourselves from Satan is to stay away from all alcohol from now on. This is a decision that we came to together for the betterment of our family. I'm sorry if that makes some of you uncomfortable but we have to do what we know is right for our family. Now, I'm not necessarily saying that alcohol is the source of all our problems, but it does not help. It leaves us numb to the prompting of the Holy Spirit and vulnerable to Satan. It opens the door for sin :-(

I know that we still have a long way to go. The things we have been through will be with me for the rest of my life. Things that have been done, cannot be undone. Words that have been said, cannot be unsaid. We will have good days and we will have bad days, but I know who wins this war. I have read the last page of the book!!

Friends, please take this seriously. Protect what comes from the Lord and steer clear of things that don't. Spend time in fellowship with other believers. Spend time in prayer and in God's Word.

Matthew 22:37-38 "Jesus replied: 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment." NIV

James and I are blessed to have incredible friends who have prayed us through some tough stuff. It is only because of them and my God that I stayed out of the black hole of depression. I toyed with the idea of jumping in that hole head first and staying there forever. Thank you to everyone who has prayed for us. Thank you for loving us!! Thank you for holding us up when we were not strong enough to stand on our own. We love you!!

Debbi

I wish...

I wish I could understand how you feel. I wish I knew what a "low" really feels like. I see the fear in your eyes. I hear it in your voice. We have done this hundreds of times now. Why is it still so scary?

I have read everything I can get my hands on. I have read explanation after explanation of what you are feeling and yet I still have no idea. Why is it that you can feel nothing one time and feel awful the next time? I don't understand.

What are you thinking? Do you think about the "what-ifs"? Do you really understand what can happen? Is that what you're thinking about? Or, is it just instinct? Is it a natural response that forces you to take action?

And the "highs". They don't seem to bother you as much, until you see the number. Then what? Are you feeling ashamed or embarrassed? Are you mad at me? At yourself? At diabetes? At God? Do you feel as angry as you act? Do you understand the long term consequences of high blood sugars?

You are 9 years old! These are not things that a 9 year old should have to think about. I hope that if you know nothing else, you know how very much you are loved. I would take this disease from you in a second if I could. I would give my life if you could have yours back. I am really and truly trying to understand. I want to help. I want to protect you.

Sometimes, I think we've got this. We can handle this. And other times, I think this is going to kill me. When you are crying and shaking and barely able to talk and refusing to let anyone help you, I feel lost and helpless. I wonder what it would be like to have a "normal" life. I feel guilty for even thinking that :-(

I promise that I will always fight for you. I will always believe that a cure is possible. I will never give up hope. I know that our God is in control even when we are not. Or, should I say, especially when we are not.

You don't know

I haven't blogged in a LONG time. Mostly because I have been busy. Partially because I did a lot of writing when I was fundraising for We Care and JDRF at the same time and I got a little burnt out. But, also because I just haven't had anything that I really wanted to write about.

I have had this list swirling in my head for a few days now, making it hard to sleep. It's a list of things you don't know. Now, don't get offended. It's not your fault that you don't know and I sincerely hope that you never have to know. I also understand that some of you DO know, all too well. My fellow D-moms, you know. Moms with kids who have any chronic illness/disability, you will be able to relate to a lot of this list.

So, here it is--things you don't know:

You don't know what it feels like in that last 2 steps toward Brenna's bedroom door every morning, praying that she is alive.

You don't know what it feels like to look at her poor, bruised little thumbs because that's where she prefers to poke herself.

You don't know what it's like to not enjoy her concert because all you can think is "is she ok", "does she need juice", "are the lights affecting her", "what about her nerves", "what if she passes out", "can I get to her in time".

You don't know the constant fear of what high blood sugars are doing to her kidneys, heart, eyes, nerves, everything.

You don't know what it feels like to watch her cry because she doesn't want another shot/pump site/blood draw.

You don't know what it's like to have people say that this is your "new normal". I hate those words!

You don't know how it feels when your non-D child says that sometimes they wish they could get Diabetes so they could get special treatment too.

You don't know how it feels to never be able to let it go. To have Diabetes occupy a part of your heart and your mind 24/7/365.

You don't know real guilt like I feel when her numbers are bad.

You don't know what it's like to be terrified that she might want to go to college.

You don't know how it feels to wish she wouldn't wrestle with her dad or her sisters because you're afraid that she will rip her pump site out.

You don't know what its like to pack for a kid with diabetes!

You don't know what it's like to have to follow her to church camp because it is a full time job to take care of her and you can't ask anyone else to do that. Even if they did, I would be nervous wreck!

You don't know what it's like to be sitting in church and the Sunday School teacher comes in and says, "It's Brenna".

You don't know how it feels to wish someone close to me could really understand but know that the only way they could is to have their child have Diabetes and I definitely don't want that.

You don't know what it's like to have constant contact with the school nurse.

You don't know what it's like to know that if your child ever wants children, she will have high risk, probably very difficult pregnancies.

You don't know what it's like to know that your other kids and future grandkids are at a higher risk for developing diabetes.

You don't know how much I read about diabetes. Always praying that the answer is in the next article.

You don't know what it's like to really pray for a cure. To be absolutely willing to give up everything to find that cure. Even if it meant my own life.

You don't know what it's like to never be able to look at her as just a kid. I always see Diabetes.

You don't know what it's like to say "We're ok" when you know that will never be true.

You don't know what it's like to look back at old pictures and automatically decide if it was before or after Diabetes. If before, the next thought is always if there are any signs that it's coming.

You don't know what it's like to be resentful of people who let their kids walk around with bags of potato chips or candy in front of Brenna knowing that she will never be able to just graze like that. She can have that stuff but she will always have to check her sugar, determine how much she is going to eat, and bolus.

You don't know what it's like to have to pull over on your way to WalMart because she feels low and too shaky to check her blood sugar when the car is moving.

You don't know how heart breaking it is to tell your little girl that this is forever. That she must count carbs and take insulin or she will die.

You don't know how heart breaking it is to face that fact yourself. Even if we do everything right, there are no guarantees. This disease could kill her.

I could go on for days, but I think that's enough for now.

I want you all to know how much I appreciate all of you who have made any effort to understand Diabetes and be able to care for Brenna. It means so much to have family and friends on this journey with us. Hopefully, you will never know what this feels like from the driver's seat (only Brenna can sit there), but we are all passengers on this ride. Thank you for not jumping off!! Thank you for not being afraid!!

Love,
Debbi

What does it mean to be a Christian?

What does it mean when I say that I am a Christian? I recently met someone who calls herself a Christian, but nothing in her life points to that. Now, before you get all crazy on me.....I am not judging this person or anyone else. It just made me think about what it means to be a Christian. What do I believe? Why?

I have some answers. My answers. Agree or disagree, that's up to you. If you are going to get offended, please stop reading now. If you have questions, ask. I would love nothing more than to see each and every one of you in Heaven someday.

So, how do we get there? There is only one way. To get your ticket through the pearly gates, all you have to do is accept the gift that has been freely offered to you through the blood of Jesus Christ.

How do you do that? It's so easy, you won't believe it! All you have to do is acknowledge that you (and I and every other person on this planet) are a sinner in need of a Savior. That Jesus, the one and only son of God, was born of a virgin and died on a cross to pay for your sins. That he rose on the third day, he ascended into Heaven, and He sits at the right hand of the Father, and that He is going to return someday. Believe that and invite God to live in you and to reign over your life. Done. Ticket has been bought and paid for and you will spend eternity with the Creator of the Universe.

But it doesn't stop there. Sure, you bought your ticket, but what are you going to do now? If you really believe that Jesus created you and died for you and that He loves you, what are you going to do about it? First, you need to have a relationship with Him. How do you get to know someone? You talk to them. So, talk to Him through prayer. Let Him talk to you through His Word (the Bible). Spend time with Him every day. In doing so, you will develop a relationship unlike any human relationship you have ever known. You will want to be more like Him. You will want to follow His commands.

I believe that every single word in the Bible is true. Some would argue that the Bible was written by man and man makes mistakes. This is true, but we know that Jesus promised to send the Holy Spirit to remind His disciples of what He said. The Bible may be written by man but it is Holy Spirit inspired and the Holy Spirit does not make mistakes.

Speaking of the Holy Spirit, I also believe in Him. I believe in the Holy Trinity. Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. Each is individual, yet they are all one. Maybe that's a hard concept to grasp, but that's ok. I also believe that there are some things we are not supposed to understand. Not yet anyway.

I believe in Heaven. I believe that everyone who has accepted Christ as their savior will spend eternity in Heaven with Him. On the flip side, I also believe in Hell. This goes back to believing that everything in the Bible is true. The Bible tells us that if we do not accept the gift of salvation, we will spend eternity in Hell. Read Revelation if you want to know more about that.

There has never been a decision more important than the one I made when I decided  to follow Jesus for the rest of my life. Not getting married, not having kids, not buying a house, not joining the military, nothing. I am still a sinner. I still fail. Being a Christian is not easy. But, God never said it would be. He did say "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." John 16:33

I pray that anyone who has known me for more than 10 minutes, can see Christ in me. I want my life to point to the Father in everything I do. I am nothing without my faith. When I call myself a Christian, I know that I am representing the one true God. I can only pray that I do that well.

Please, if you have any questions about God or how to get to Heaven, please ask. If I don't have the answer, I will find someone who does. I love you all!

Debbi

Marriage

James and I are getting ready to celebrate our 15th anniversary. Actually, it's still more than 2 months away but we have been talking about it forever. We are both really excited! It's fun to look back at the last 15 years and see how far we have come. From 2 single airman living in dorm rooms to a family of 5 with 2 houses. We have been through all the ups and downs that can be expected in 15 years and we are stronger for it.

Or, are we? That's the question keeping me awake at night lately. I have always thought that our marriage was the kind that could withstand anything. We are a great team and we can take on the world, as long as we're together. Right? Nothing to worry about?

Hmmmm.........What if that is exactly what Satan wants us to think? Maybe he wants us to get comfortable in our marriages. Maybe he wants us to believe that we are the exception. That nothing and nobody could tear us apart. Maybe he is waiting for us to put our guard down before he strikes!

I have to admit that there is an incident that put me on this path. Nothing happened!! James was in a work situation where he and a female deputy were transporting inmates. Of course, everything was very professional and nothing happened, but it got me thinking. What if? James assured me that they are in constant radio contact with the station, but that didn't make me feel any better. I am not naive. I know that "things" can be done in a moving vehicle.

Is that just my own insecurity? Or, is it the Holy Spirit? I trust my husband completely, but I do not trust Satan at all! What if he tried to use a situation like that to lure James into a trap? Or the female who is also married? What if?

I think, that as a society, we need to do more to protect our marriages! Why didn't anyone else think about that situation? Why isn't there a rule about male and female deputies being alone together? What about her husband? How does he feel about this? Don't people understand that Satan hates seeing good, Christian marriages? That the evil one has come to steal, kill, and destroy (John 10:10). Satan wants to steal our happiness, kill our marriages, and destroy our families!

I guess, what I am trying to say, is that I am on guard. Satan, you don't stand a chance! You can play on my insecurities and my weaknesses all you want, but you won't win! My marriage is strong and getting stronger every day!

The last 15 years were just the beginning for our family. I am looking forward to 50 or 60 or more years to come. Years to grow and love together. To meet grandchildren and great grandchildren together. To travel and experience all of God's goodness together.

Please, treat your marriages as the holy and intimate unions that they are intended to be. Stay on guard at all times. Don't get too comfortable. Satan is lurking in the dark shadows, waiting for his opportunity to pounce. Don't give it to him!

Ephesians 5:21-33

²¹ Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.

²² Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. ²³ For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. ²⁴ Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

²⁵ Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her ²⁶ to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, ²⁷ and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. ²⁸ In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. ²⁹ After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church— ³⁰ for we are members of his body. ³¹ “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” ³² This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. ³³ However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

 As always, the Bible gives great instructions. These verses paint a picture of what a Christian marriage should look like. Following God's instruction is always a great way to keep Satan away. 

Now, I am going to go get our room ready for our new bed (our anniversary present to each other). Could there be any better way to prepare for all of the "memories" that we still get to make ;-) ??

Debbi

My Body

My body is almost 40 years old!! (Don't tell anyone!!) My body has endured 3 c-sections and a hysterectomy. My body will never again be what it was 20 years ago. My body was never meant to last forever.

My body grew and birthed 3 of the most amazing people I know!! My body held them when they were sick or scared. My body is still strong!! My body is still desired by my husband (TMI?). My body is soft and babies like that :-) My body is a unique work of art created by the God of the universe!!

If you were on facebook yesterday, you know that I have been struggling with this diet. Things are not happening as quickly as I would like them to :-( I want to be at my goal weight, NOW!! But, why?? So I can eat whatever I want and gain the weight back?? That's silly. Why would you want to do that?? I don't know, why have I done that multiple times before??

Maybe, I have been going about this all wrong. (If anyone says, "I told you so.", I will punch you in the nose!!) Maybe dropping the weight fast is not the best way to do this. Obviously, I have not been able to keep the weight off doing things that way. Hmmmm..............

What if I kept counting points and trying to lose weight but I gave myself a little slack once in awhile? What if I do my best but I still act like a normal person at "special" times? Like a birthday party or a date night or a family event. Maybe then I would still feel "normal" but the weight would still come off. Is it really possible to lose weight and enjoy life at the same time? I think I need to try!!

What about the gym?? UGH!! I absolutely HATE the gym!! I do NOT feel better after a workout. EVER!! I just HATE it. What am I going to do about that? I have to keep going. I need the exercise. I registered for a Mud Run for goodness sake :-) Oh boy.........

I actually really enjoying walking outside when it's warm. I love taking Minnie for walks and watching her explore. I love talking with friends as we walk. I love people watching all around town :-) I guess, I will have to endure the gym until this weather breaks. But, as soon as it gets warm, I am outta there!!

What does all this mumbling mean?? I am not quitting!! I am still committed to losing this weight. I will not continue to kill myself to do it. I will not hide in my room afraid that if I come out I will eat something I shouldn't. I will not stay grumpy all the time!! I will not be posting weigh-ins every Saturday (that's a LOT of pressure!!).

I will count points most of the time. I will go to the gym when I can't think of an excuse not to. I will walk as soon as I can. I will respect the body that I have been given. I will continue to weigh myself every day. I will continue to post when I hit weight loss milestones. I will remind myself as often as I need to that I am more important than the number on the scale :-)

Hope to see you all at the Mud Run on June 21, 2014!!
 http://runfortheking.com/event/details/chicago-mud-run-for-the-king/

Debbi

Where to start??

So, it has been a little while since I have posted. Why?? Basically because I have been stalling. I want to write about diabetes. I want to share all the thoughts and feelings and worries and ups and downs and highs and lows and stresses and successes and guesses and fails. I want to make it all make sense. I want to be in control!! But, I'm not :-( Fortunately, I know who is. God's got this!! I can't "fix" it and I don't have to!!

So, where to start?? I could write about diabetes for a month straight and still not say everything that I want to. How much to share?? I have said before that I need to write for me. But, other people might read this too. Do you all really want to hear every fear?? Do you really want to know that every morning when I go to wake Brenna up, I think that this could be it. This could be the morning she doesn't wake up. What if she went too high or too low in the night and I wasn't there to help her? What if......??

I guess, the best place to start is at the beginning. Diagnosis.

January 2013--

Brenna had been using the bathroom A LOT. This is the only symptom that we caught in the beginning. I was convinced it was a UTI. Her teacher had e-mailed to say that she was using the bathroom a lot at school. My niece, Patience, had been spending a couple days with us and sleeping in Brenna's room. She said that Brenna had gotten up at least 10 times in the night to go to the bathroom. So, I decided to take Brenna to the doctor. It was Saturday, her doc wasn't open. I was just going to run her to the clinic at Walgreens to get some antibiotics. Then we would hurry home because we had a busy day planned.

I asked Brenna to shower quickly before we left. She started crying. She could barely get herself in and out of the shower. I told myself that she was acting like a baby for the attention. As I helped her out of the shower (not so nicely), I noticed how skinny she was. I guess it had been awhile since I had seen her naked. She was skin and bones :-(

I began to ask about other symptoms of UTI. Did she have pain or burning? Itching? Anything? No. This was starting to scare me. I had looked up her symptoms a couple days before. Diabetes popped to the top of the list but I blew it off. Thought for sure I was being a hypochondriac. 

I still thought, that can't be it. It's just a weird UTI with weird symptoms. She's going to be ok. We'll get some meds and go on with our merry lives. So, we headed to Walgreens.

On the way, I remember praying that it was just an infection. An easy fix. I think that God was preparing me for something worse. I just had a sense in that moment that our day was not going to go as planned.

We got to Walgreens, waited forever, and finally gave a urine sample. The girl who saw us first put a strip in the urine. She looked at me, looked back at the strip, and excused herself. We were then taken in to see the doctor (or nurse??) who told us that there was sugar in Brenna's urine. I had no clue what that meant. She said that they needed to prick her finger to check her blood sugar. Oh My!! Brenna did not like that!! (Funny that she does that to herself 10 times a day now!!) The level was too high for her meter to read. (I now know that means over 600!!)

Still had no clue. Doctor said "I think that Brenna may have diabetes. You need to take her to the ER right now. I will call ahead and let them know you're coming." Ok Lady, relax. I was so naive. I had no idea how sick my little girl was. She could have died.

We went to the ER and were immediately taken back to a room. No waiting, this is different. The nurse asked some questions that we had not been asked before. Was Brenna drinking a lot? Yes. (We actually found several water bottles in her bed.) Eating a lot? Yes. But, that was just a growth spurt, right?? Losing weight even though she was eating so much. Yes :-( Irritable? Yes. Tired? Yes.

Oh my goodness. This can't be happening. I called James. He came to be with us.

The hospital checked her blood sugar again. 747!! (Normal is right around 100) She was hooked to an IV and insulin was started right away. She was down in the 300s a couple hours later when the ambulance arrived to take her to Rockford Memorial where we would spend 3 days learning how to live again. That was the longest ride of my life. Thankfully, the wonderful people with Ridge Ambulance let me ride in the back with her while James went home to take care of a couple things and get the other 2 girls. Brenna was so scared. She was hungry but couldn't eat until the blood sugar came down. She kept saying, "I'm not sick, Mommy. I'm just hungry."

The first days were tough. We had so much to learn. Everything was new and scary. On the day before we would be going home, a nurse came to talk to us about possible complications. The list is long and scary. Blindness, heart disease, seizures, coma, amputations, and death to name a few. How was I going to handle this? How was I going to learn to take care of this child? Why me? Why her? Why us?

I cried more in 3 days than in the rest of my life combined. I hurt physically, mentally, and emotionally. I was terrified!! I was exhausted.

We were sent home with a very dependent child, a ton of prescriptions, a lot of information, and a lot more questions. Day by day, with God's grace, we have made it this far. I barely recognize the people in that car over a year ago.

And that's it, that's the day(s) that changed our lives forever. I'll write more about what we have learned and experienced since then. But for now, that's enough. Thank you all for your love and prayers in our time of crisis. No matter what, we knew we were loved :-)

Addiction

Today I write with a heavy heart. I got the news that someone close to me has fallen back into some old addictions. This person has worked so hard to fight these demons. Satan uses the same old tricks over and over to hurt us. I am praying for strength for this person to get up and fight again. You do not have to let Satan win!!

Romans 8:31 "What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?"

What do I know about addiction? After all, I am a "goody two-shoes", a "Debbi Downer", a "Bible Thumper", right?? Maybe. But, that's because I wasn't always who I am today. I would much rather people think I am boring than see who I used to be.

I do know a little something about addiction :-(

My first 2 years in the Air Force are kind of a blur. I did what I had to do to get to Friday night. I stayed drunk the whole weekend, every weekend. I could easily drink a bottle of Bacardi by myself. I was proud of the fact that I could out-drink most of the guys. I did things that I NEVER would have done sober!! I was sad and lonely. And I was walking a very fine line with alcoholism.

I put myself in dangerous positions that I have a hard time thinking about today. The "What if's" are too scary to imagine. One time in tech school, I left a club and ended up in an apartment with a bunch of guys I didn't know. Thankfully, one of the guys realized how drunk I was and took me back to the dorms. He even helped me sneak in my window so I wouldn't get in trouble. Thank You, Jesus!! 

On 2 different occasions, I thought that I was going to be raped. Both times, someone else walked in at just the right time and I was able to get out. I know that God was watching out for me both times.

Then I met a boy. We dated for a couple months and I could not imagine my life without him. He was "the one" ;-) One day, he told me, "I can't be with someone who drinks as much as you do." I didn't touch alcohol for about 6 months after that. I have never gone back to the person I was in those first 2 years. But, I am always aware that I could!! That is why I hardly ever drink these days. I have way too much to lose. It's just not worth it.

I married that boy!! We have 3 beautiful daughters and we will celebrate our 15th Anniversary in May. I think back on that one thing that he said to me so long ago and I thank God for sending him :-)
My life has never been the same. I don't like to think of what my life would be like today if I had continued down that dark path that I was on. I am thankful to live in the redeeming light of Jesus Christ!!

Today, I am praying for my friend and for everyone struggling with addiction. It is a dark, scary place but you don't have to stay there. Ask for help!! I pray for strength and that you are surrounded by people who love you and will support your recovery. AMEN

Debbi

Fur Babies

No more news on Minnie's condition. We are just waiting. Waiting to hear how bad it is. How much or how little of what her liver needs is it actually getting and able to process? I watch her play and she is happy. She has no idea that she has such a serious condition. I know that if she has a shunt which could possibly be fixed by surgery, I will do whatever I can to save her. So, in the back of my mind, no matter what else I am doing, I am thinking. How can I get the thousands of dollars that it's going to take to help her??

You see, when I say that my animals are my babies, those aren't just words to me. I have always had animals. Always. There are times when I think that I like my animals more than I do most people (just being honest). My animals never get mad at me. They are never disappointed in me. They don't care how much I weigh or if I put on make-up this morning or even if I brushed my teeth. We have never argued about politics or religion or anything else. They expect nothing but love from me. In fact, they are true examples of how to love unconditionally!!

My animals have helped me to teach my children compassion, service to others, and responsibility. We are responsible for their every need and we meet those needs out of love. All we will ever get in return is love. It's not like Rusty is going to get a job and pay us to clean his litter box. We do that because we want him to be healthy and happy--because we love him.

Many times, when I am sad, one of my animals will cuddle with me. It's like they know how much I need them. When we lost Daisy last year, I felt like my world had stopped spinning. It was the hardest day of my entire life. I still cry when I think of that day. She was truly my best friend and when I lost her the only thing that helped even a little bit was to hold Rusty.

And then we got Minnie. She isn't Daisy and could never take her place, but she helped me heal. She gave me a reason to smile again. We all fell in love with her immediately!! She is such an awesome dog!!

To think that we could lose her.......I just don't think I can do it again. I still need her. She needs me. I am not giving up. I will do whatever it takes to keep her healthy for as long as I possibly can. And so I wait. Wait to learn what our next step will be. And I pray. Pray that her liver is still working correctly and that her condition can be controlled through diet and medicine. Pray that she will have a good, long life. Pray that she understands just how much she is loved!!

Debbi