I have been on yet another diet for the past few months or years or my whole life or whatever. It feels like I'm always on a diet and I'm tired of it. I need to fix this while I'm at a healthy weight so I don't gain again. I've been doing a lot of thinking trying to figure out just why I always gain the weight back.....
The other night, Becca was here and James said something about working out. He didn't mean anything by it, he just really likes to work out and he loves it when the girls will work out with him. It's like bonding for him. Weird! His comment triggered a conversation that I knew was coming someday, but never wanted to have. My constant dieting and obsessing over my weight has affected how my girls feel about themselves and that breaks me. Becca said something to the effect of "if you hate yourself when you gain weight, how am I supposed to feel about myself when I gain weight?" OUCH! I never wanted them to feel about themselves the way I feel about myself. I don't know how to fix it.
I have come to the conclusion that I have some sort of eating disorder. I'm not a doctor but I think it probably has to do with binge eating and addiction. I don't know. What I do know-I'm either "on" or "off". There is no in between. There is no moderation. There is no taste and walk away. I am absolutely addicted to sugar and carbs. If I have them, in any form, I obsess over getting more. It's all I can think about. I wake up thinking about food, I go to bed thinking about food. And, it's always junk food. I do not like vegetables, I do not like salad, I do not like water. I eat very little fruit. I absolutely, positively DESPISE working out. That all feels like punishment. I know, that is flawed thinking. I know that I am broken. I don't know how to fix it.
When I'm "on", I do great. I have a will power that few people understand. I can go days barely eating a thing. I can resist any temptation. I can "control" what I put in my mouth, maybe a form of anorexia. But then, if I screw up, the guilt is overwhelming. The self hatred is unbelievable. I have used laxatives after binging in an attempt to get rid of it quickly. I'm sure that's a form of bulimia.
I have been on Weight Watchers for the past few months and I think that's the healthiest thing for me. I log everything I eat! The nice thing for me is that I can strive for a blue dot every day. You only get a blue dot if you eat within a healthy range which means I cannot eat too little or too much. I might be a little competitive so working for the blue dot (my prize) works for me. I feel like I'm in a good place for now. My only concern is knowing when to quit. I am always pushing for the next lowest number. Maintenance is not my friend. I know how to lose, I do not know how to maintain. I think it may be time to talk to a counselor which is terrifying all in itself.
I hate that my issues have harmed my beautiful daughters. I have tried so hard to be a good mom. I wanted them to have a loving, stable, safe home. I wanted them to always know that they are loved unconditionally and that they don't have to do anything to earn anyone's love-including being skinny. I wanted them to be secure in who they are and what they deserve. Maybe it's not too late. Maybe I can teach them that it's ok to ask for help. I don't know what else to do.
I'm not sure why I'm writing this. I think this feels like a confession. Maybe a first step, admitting there is a problem. I'm not sure what the next step is but I'm hopeful that someday I will look in the mirror and see more than "the fat girl" and what I still need to lose.
Thanks For Reading,
💗 Debbi
