I wish...

I wish I could understand how you feel. I wish I knew what a "low" really feels like. I see the fear in your eyes. I hear it in your voice. We have done this hundreds of times now. Why is it still so scary?

I have read everything I can get my hands on. I have read explanation after explanation of what you are feeling and yet I still have no idea. Why is it that you can feel nothing one time and feel awful the next time? I don't understand.

What are you thinking? Do you think about the "what-ifs"? Do you really understand what can happen? Is that what you're thinking about? Or, is it just instinct? Is it a natural response that forces you to take action?

And the "highs". They don't seem to bother you as much, until you see the number. Then what? Are you feeling ashamed or embarrassed? Are you mad at me? At yourself? At diabetes? At God? Do you feel as angry as you act? Do you understand the long term consequences of high blood sugars?

You are 9 years old! These are not things that a 9 year old should have to think about. I hope that if you know nothing else, you know how very much you are loved. I would take this disease from you in a second if I could. I would give my life if you could have yours back. I am really and truly trying to understand. I want to help. I want to protect you.

Sometimes, I think we've got this. We can handle this. And other times, I think this is going to kill me. When you are crying and shaking and barely able to talk and refusing to let anyone help you, I feel lost and helpless. I wonder what it would be like to have a "normal" life. I feel guilty for even thinking that :-(

I promise that I will always fight for you. I will always believe that a cure is possible. I will never give up hope. I know that our God is in control even when we are not. Or, should I say, especially when we are not.