My Body

My body is almost 40 years old!! (Don't tell anyone!!) My body has endured 3 c-sections and a hysterectomy. My body will never again be what it was 20 years ago. My body was never meant to last forever.

My body grew and birthed 3 of the most amazing people I know!! My body held them when they were sick or scared. My body is still strong!! My body is still desired by my husband (TMI?). My body is soft and babies like that :-) My body is a unique work of art created by the God of the universe!!

If you were on facebook yesterday, you know that I have been struggling with this diet. Things are not happening as quickly as I would like them to :-( I want to be at my goal weight, NOW!! But, why?? So I can eat whatever I want and gain the weight back?? That's silly. Why would you want to do that?? I don't know, why have I done that multiple times before??

Maybe, I have been going about this all wrong. (If anyone says, "I told you so.", I will punch you in the nose!!) Maybe dropping the weight fast is not the best way to do this. Obviously, I have not been able to keep the weight off doing things that way. Hmmmm..............

What if I kept counting points and trying to lose weight but I gave myself a little slack once in awhile? What if I do my best but I still act like a normal person at "special" times? Like a birthday party or a date night or a family event. Maybe then I would still feel "normal" but the weight would still come off. Is it really possible to lose weight and enjoy life at the same time? I think I need to try!!

What about the gym?? UGH!! I absolutely HATE the gym!! I do NOT feel better after a workout. EVER!! I just HATE it. What am I going to do about that? I have to keep going. I need the exercise. I registered for a Mud Run for goodness sake :-) Oh boy.........

I actually really enjoying walking outside when it's warm. I love taking Minnie for walks and watching her explore. I love talking with friends as we walk. I love people watching all around town :-) I guess, I will have to endure the gym until this weather breaks. But, as soon as it gets warm, I am outta there!!

What does all this mumbling mean?? I am not quitting!! I am still committed to losing this weight. I will not continue to kill myself to do it. I will not hide in my room afraid that if I come out I will eat something I shouldn't. I will not stay grumpy all the time!! I will not be posting weigh-ins every Saturday (that's a LOT of pressure!!).

I will count points most of the time. I will go to the gym when I can't think of an excuse not to. I will walk as soon as I can. I will respect the body that I have been given. I will continue to weigh myself every day. I will continue to post when I hit weight loss milestones. I will remind myself as often as I need to that I am more important than the number on the scale :-)

Hope to see you all at the Mud Run on June 21, 2014!!
 http://runfortheking.com/event/details/chicago-mud-run-for-the-king/

Debbi

Where to start??

So, it has been a little while since I have posted. Why?? Basically because I have been stalling. I want to write about diabetes. I want to share all the thoughts and feelings and worries and ups and downs and highs and lows and stresses and successes and guesses and fails. I want to make it all make sense. I want to be in control!! But, I'm not :-( Fortunately, I know who is. God's got this!! I can't "fix" it and I don't have to!!

So, where to start?? I could write about diabetes for a month straight and still not say everything that I want to. How much to share?? I have said before that I need to write for me. But, other people might read this too. Do you all really want to hear every fear?? Do you really want to know that every morning when I go to wake Brenna up, I think that this could be it. This could be the morning she doesn't wake up. What if she went too high or too low in the night and I wasn't there to help her? What if......??

I guess, the best place to start is at the beginning. Diagnosis.

January 2013--

Brenna had been using the bathroom A LOT. This is the only symptom that we caught in the beginning. I was convinced it was a UTI. Her teacher had e-mailed to say that she was using the bathroom a lot at school. My niece, Patience, had been spending a couple days with us and sleeping in Brenna's room. She said that Brenna had gotten up at least 10 times in the night to go to the bathroom. So, I decided to take Brenna to the doctor. It was Saturday, her doc wasn't open. I was just going to run her to the clinic at Walgreens to get some antibiotics. Then we would hurry home because we had a busy day planned.

I asked Brenna to shower quickly before we left. She started crying. She could barely get herself in and out of the shower. I told myself that she was acting like a baby for the attention. As I helped her out of the shower (not so nicely), I noticed how skinny she was. I guess it had been awhile since I had seen her naked. She was skin and bones :-(

I began to ask about other symptoms of UTI. Did she have pain or burning? Itching? Anything? No. This was starting to scare me. I had looked up her symptoms a couple days before. Diabetes popped to the top of the list but I blew it off. Thought for sure I was being a hypochondriac. 

I still thought, that can't be it. It's just a weird UTI with weird symptoms. She's going to be ok. We'll get some meds and go on with our merry lives. So, we headed to Walgreens.

On the way, I remember praying that it was just an infection. An easy fix. I think that God was preparing me for something worse. I just had a sense in that moment that our day was not going to go as planned.

We got to Walgreens, waited forever, and finally gave a urine sample. The girl who saw us first put a strip in the urine. She looked at me, looked back at the strip, and excused herself. We were then taken in to see the doctor (or nurse??) who told us that there was sugar in Brenna's urine. I had no clue what that meant. She said that they needed to prick her finger to check her blood sugar. Oh My!! Brenna did not like that!! (Funny that she does that to herself 10 times a day now!!) The level was too high for her meter to read. (I now know that means over 600!!)

Still had no clue. Doctor said "I think that Brenna may have diabetes. You need to take her to the ER right now. I will call ahead and let them know you're coming." Ok Lady, relax. I was so naive. I had no idea how sick my little girl was. She could have died.

We went to the ER and were immediately taken back to a room. No waiting, this is different. The nurse asked some questions that we had not been asked before. Was Brenna drinking a lot? Yes. (We actually found several water bottles in her bed.) Eating a lot? Yes. But, that was just a growth spurt, right?? Losing weight even though she was eating so much. Yes :-( Irritable? Yes. Tired? Yes.

Oh my goodness. This can't be happening. I called James. He came to be with us.

The hospital checked her blood sugar again. 747!! (Normal is right around 100) She was hooked to an IV and insulin was started right away. She was down in the 300s a couple hours later when the ambulance arrived to take her to Rockford Memorial where we would spend 3 days learning how to live again. That was the longest ride of my life. Thankfully, the wonderful people with Ridge Ambulance let me ride in the back with her while James went home to take care of a couple things and get the other 2 girls. Brenna was so scared. She was hungry but couldn't eat until the blood sugar came down. She kept saying, "I'm not sick, Mommy. I'm just hungry."

The first days were tough. We had so much to learn. Everything was new and scary. On the day before we would be going home, a nurse came to talk to us about possible complications. The list is long and scary. Blindness, heart disease, seizures, coma, amputations, and death to name a few. How was I going to handle this? How was I going to learn to take care of this child? Why me? Why her? Why us?

I cried more in 3 days than in the rest of my life combined. I hurt physically, mentally, and emotionally. I was terrified!! I was exhausted.

We were sent home with a very dependent child, a ton of prescriptions, a lot of information, and a lot more questions. Day by day, with God's grace, we have made it this far. I barely recognize the people in that car over a year ago.

And that's it, that's the day(s) that changed our lives forever. I'll write more about what we have learned and experienced since then. But for now, that's enough. Thank you all for your love and prayers in our time of crisis. No matter what, we knew we were loved :-)

Addiction

Today I write with a heavy heart. I got the news that someone close to me has fallen back into some old addictions. This person has worked so hard to fight these demons. Satan uses the same old tricks over and over to hurt us. I am praying for strength for this person to get up and fight again. You do not have to let Satan win!!

Romans 8:31 "What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?"

What do I know about addiction? After all, I am a "goody two-shoes", a "Debbi Downer", a "Bible Thumper", right?? Maybe. But, that's because I wasn't always who I am today. I would much rather people think I am boring than see who I used to be.

I do know a little something about addiction :-(

My first 2 years in the Air Force are kind of a blur. I did what I had to do to get to Friday night. I stayed drunk the whole weekend, every weekend. I could easily drink a bottle of Bacardi by myself. I was proud of the fact that I could out-drink most of the guys. I did things that I NEVER would have done sober!! I was sad and lonely. And I was walking a very fine line with alcoholism.

I put myself in dangerous positions that I have a hard time thinking about today. The "What if's" are too scary to imagine. One time in tech school, I left a club and ended up in an apartment with a bunch of guys I didn't know. Thankfully, one of the guys realized how drunk I was and took me back to the dorms. He even helped me sneak in my window so I wouldn't get in trouble. Thank You, Jesus!! 

On 2 different occasions, I thought that I was going to be raped. Both times, someone else walked in at just the right time and I was able to get out. I know that God was watching out for me both times.

Then I met a boy. We dated for a couple months and I could not imagine my life without him. He was "the one" ;-) One day, he told me, "I can't be with someone who drinks as much as you do." I didn't touch alcohol for about 6 months after that. I have never gone back to the person I was in those first 2 years. But, I am always aware that I could!! That is why I hardly ever drink these days. I have way too much to lose. It's just not worth it.

I married that boy!! We have 3 beautiful daughters and we will celebrate our 15th Anniversary in May. I think back on that one thing that he said to me so long ago and I thank God for sending him :-)
My life has never been the same. I don't like to think of what my life would be like today if I had continued down that dark path that I was on. I am thankful to live in the redeeming light of Jesus Christ!!

Today, I am praying for my friend and for everyone struggling with addiction. It is a dark, scary place but you don't have to stay there. Ask for help!! I pray for strength and that you are surrounded by people who love you and will support your recovery. AMEN

Debbi